I've been a bad little blogger...

I'm not going to try and make excuses and tell you that I was in hospital or seriously ill or anything feeble like that. No, I'll just come right out and say it like it is/was - I have lost my inspiration to write and blog. There. That's it really...

And to be completely honest, I have not really got it back yet, but after speaking to my 'new' therapist last week, she suggested that I start writing again as a release for my emotional turmoil and 'basic fuckedupness'... So, here goes y'all!

My life is in a strange place at the moment. Work wise it could not be better - a new promotion and a better position in the company. Moved to the top floor of the building and have stunning view over the city of Jozie - that's if it does not rain all the time, but I digress. Financially I'm secure which is a true blessing in this time of financial turmoil and disaster, and I can even say that my physical health is pretty good - eating right and getting a little exercise as well.

But it's my emotional well being that is, well, for lack of a better word - a total disaster. I've been hiding behind everything I can think of not to think about Dawie and his death. I've been 'dating' young boys for a while to escape the reality of losing my wonderful husband. I've not spoken about him for weeks, and avoided any situation where he would be 'present' - and yet he is present in everything that happens in my life.

I cannot stop for a moment and give myself time - got to be busy all the time in order not to grieve, and it's catching up with me... I need to grieve, but cannot for the life of me get myself to 'let go' as I should. I always tell myself to grow up and be a man when all I want to really do is crawl into a small space and die.

I know this is 'pretty heavy' for a post - especially since I have not blogged for such a long time, but there is so much pent up anger and frustration that I honestly do not know how to handle this anymore. I've gone back to see a therapist - someone new that was referred to me by a friend, and I think she understands me a lot better than the previous one who thought it would be okay to tell my I'm cured after a few sessions. I cannot deal with this anymore. Honestly. Why should I want to? My little 'facade' is one of bravery and dealing with life, but my inside is a mess...

So - this is me trying to sort out my life now. I will use this blog to rant and rave and do whatever I need to to get trough this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to read here anymore - or not visiting. It will be used as a space to get my feelings out in the open and deal with stuff that I've been hiding forever - and this will be the space for very few people actually know who I am - and I want to keep it that way.

My life needs to change direction - and this is the first step...

TTFN

Yeeeezzzz!!!!

I've been terrible at trying to blog and get back up to speed at work. Blogging and being away from the office for nearly three weeks - not good for each other. I know, a feeble excuse, but it's true - I promise...


So, this weekend I will spend some quality time with my new laptop - oh, another excuse, but I digress, and make sure I give some nice highlights from the holiday and what's happening in my neck of the woods...


One of the highlights is that we (me and TYM) are going to see District 9 this weekend. Very proud that this was shot in Jozie (Mostly Soweto to be exact) and has an all ''Souf Efriken'' cast. The cartoon plays on a very common scheme to cheat folks out of their money called 419 usually run by Nigerians - very common here in the South of Africa.


Now here's wishin' yáll a really pretty, fruitful day!


TTFN

Back from the hols...

So, I'm back in Pretoria and back at work - urgh! Not my favourite thing, and now even more so. It's time to start preparing budgets. That is about as much fun as having your leg hairs removed by a Russian Beauty Therapist with a pair of tweezers...

So, lots to tell y'all and lots of pictures to post, but for now - just this little one taken on my mobile - on the road to the Northern Cape, driving at about 180 kph (about 110mph) To be honest, this is the longest stretch we did and it's straight (look in the rear view mirror) as an arrow and never ending - stretches of 400 km between towns. The other fun thing was that at one point somebody overtook me...

Now, y'all have a pretty, fruitful day now!

TTFN

Apollo Moon Mission.

Some humour for a Monday Morning...

Now y'all have a pretty week now,



TTFN

A bit of this, a lot of that...

Yesterday, 40 years ago my dearest mom, HIGHLY pregnant with me was listening to the radio, and was specifically listening to how Neil Armstrong spoke 'those words'. A few days later I was born... Not that that is what I want to write here - my birthday this year just seems so insignificant - and I'm as emotional as hell at the moment, so we're going to skip that one...


Mom and I are on our way to go and look at the wild flower display in the Northern Cape. Namaqwaland to be exact. It's an arid desert type landscape that, once a year, turns into the most phenomenal flower garden. It's absolutely stunning! Then on to Cape Town for a few days and then back home via the Garden Route. A round trip of about four to five thousand kilometers covered in three weeks. This is my birthday present to myself. Dawie and I saved up to go for a nice trip together on my fortieth (We would have gone to the US) but I've decided that this will do... Anyway, I'm in no mood to travel on my own. And I promised my Mom a trip to the flowers before her seventieth.

I feel completely uninspired and 'lifeless' at the moment - maybe just tired, maybe this long cold winter getting to me, or maybe I'm just not dealing with everything as well as I think I am. A dear friend commented that I'm not myself this weekend when we went for breakfast. I don't know - I'm coping, I think, mostly... Just not ready to break down again and deal with this, so it's easier just to avoid it... There - that my solution, stick my head in the ground and hope it goes away!

So - long story short - I'll be away for the next month. Hope y'all are happy and healthy!


TTFN

My ears are bleeding...

It's been one of those days where the first meeting started at nine, ended at twelve thirty, next one at one till three and the next one starts at four... My ears are bleeding - and I cannot say another word.

But maybe I should just be thankful that I still have a job in this time of uncertainty and people losing jobs left right and centre. And maybe I should be thankful that I even got an increase (a rather generous one at that!) as from next month. And maybe I should be thankful that I have friends and family that have supported me always, whatever my mood is...

And I am thankful, truly. And blessed.

But now - my ears are bleeding from all the talking that's been going on all day. And I'm tired. And I want to go home to my dog's and to T.Y.M who is visiting tonight.

Two weeks to my winter holiday...

TTFN

Doing my bit for the enviroment...

I'm consciously trying to reduce my carbon footprint at the moment, making small changes to my life and household to try and see if I can, in my own little way, improve a little.

So, in light of this little 'effort' from my side, I'm now part of a lift club! Yes, 'Mister Control Freak' is in a car that another person drives for three hours of a working day, two weeks of the month... It's actually quite nice not having to drive and concentrate on the traffic, but it also means that I need to relax and not try and tell him how to manage things. My weak point really...

Also installing a solar geyser at home - hey, the government (Eskom) sponsors you to do so, and this should happen in next week. It will also reduce my electricity consumption. (I found out last week when I spoke to my dad that my electricity bill is higher than theirs, and they are two people in the house!)

So, long story short, I'm going green!

Now just to teach the dogs to stop 'breaking wind' and we'll be greener than Greenpeace!


Have a fruitful weekend y'all!

TTFN

MJ.

I know there have been numerous 'jokes' about MJ's death and I don't always think they are in good taste, but this one is OK and 'once again' very Souf Efriken - so enjoy.


Not too creative at the mo, so won't bore you to death with non-sensical ramblings...

Have a fruitful day now y'all,

TTFN

A nice, quiet weekend...

As it's been BITTERLY cold (Global warming my bottom!) this weekend, The Young Man (T.Y.M) and I spent most of the weekend indoors and alone. And to be honest, it all felt very comfortable and 'familiar' - if that makes any sense at all. It just seems like we've know each other longer than we have and he seems comfortable with my 'extremely' pedantic ways, and I'm comfortable with his ways as well. It feels good...

Friday night we got some take - out and DVD's and spent the night on the couch with the doggies. Also went to bed quite early as it was one hell of a week and he had to work on Saturday Morning, so no lying in then. Think I've told you, but he's a student and has five different jobs to pay for his studies and 'upkeep'. Hard working little individual... I made some coffee and he was off to work. I then took the pick up to get washed as we had to go of to doggy school in the afternoon.

This is the brute that we're busy training at the moment, but my two also go along as there is a 'play group' for the other pup's while we are busy with the training part. He's a South African breed of dog called a Boerboel. (This pic' was taken when he was just over a year old and he's developed a bit more since then...) He's a wonderfully intelligent and protective animal and I bought him specifically to protect my elderly folks. He's passed basic obedience, advanced obedience and is now busy with something called 'man training' where he is taught to protect a specific person/group of people from attack. What this basically means is that he will only attack someone if they threaten or attack the person they were trained to protect, which is my mom and dad. He's extremely strong and fast, so it does take a bit of strength to manage him sometimes, but he's very good with my mom... Oh, and he's spoilt rotten by her - so maybe that's why he's so good with her - don't bite the hand that feeds you and all of that!

Saturday eve we once again spent indoors reading, talking, having some dinner - pizza this time. Sunday morning we went to church together (Now don't act all surprised, I am a man of morals I'll let you know!) and then went to the shops for a few household necessities. Went home and I made us a nice Chinese Stir Fry with Black Bean Sauce and Mung Noodles. The rest of the day we once again just spent around the house - T.Y.M combed and conditioned the puppies, I watered the garden and did some washing, all very ordinary and domestic really.

And this is what I mean by comfortable and familiar. He's so comfortable just 'being' with me, and I'm comfortable just being with him. It's nice. I'm happy. I'm enjoying this now...

TTFN

Pretty weekend to y'all!

VERY South African humour, but some of y'all might understand it...


TTFN

Pics...

The bath in our room, with no fences between the house en the 'wild bush' outside.




View from the bedroom. Big glass doors that can be opened.

One of the big five - was not really into big game viewing this time, had other things to keep us busy, but we did spot 3 of the big five - Buffalo, Ellies and a Rhino.

The birthday 'beverage' - Pierre Jourdan Cap Classique.

A little breakfast spread...

The Clubhouse lounge where we played board games at night while talking up a storm.

Outside lounge and dining area at the clubhouse.

Another view of the clubhouse lounge area.

On the open vehicle looking for game.

Cute little sign at a coffee shop we stopped at on the way.

Enough for now...

TTFN

Stuff...

The weekend was great! Fun, exciting, great food and wine, wonderful company and some of the most scenic areas I've seen in a long time.

And cold nights with fireplaces and warm feather duvets to keep us warm... Nothing quite as nice as lying in the dark, looking over the African bush (Lit by the moon) trough wall to ceiling glass doors in the glow of a fireplace. I am truly blessed...

And as for the young man. We had the best time together. We laughed, talked, had deep meaningful discussions, silly meaningless discussions and really enjoyed each other company. It seems I'm developing more than a fleeting interest in him... Which still feels a little wrong so close to Dawie's death, and then there's the nearly 19 years age gap to contend with too.

As for the place - it's absolutely stunning. Not only is it exquisitely decorated and maintained, very well designed and fully integrated into the surrounding nature - the service was also friendly, efficient and non - invasive, which is exactly what you need when you're on a break. They will definitely see us again. (And I will post some pictures soon - when I have a bit more time.)

So, a quick 'check in' to say that all is well in the world of the Kenya Worm, that my smile is genuine and my heart is warm.

Hope y'all had fruitful weekends!

TTFN