Achievements!

The first bit of achievement is this:

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Test Time Smoke-Free: 306 days, 14 hours, 6 minutes and 27 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 6132
Lifetime Saved: 1 month, 16 days, 20 hours
Money Saved: S1,071.00

The second bit of achievement is this:










This is what the garden looked like last night - EVERYTHING has been ripped up and the process is starting to rebuild now. Will post the 'after' pictures in about two weeks - hopefully. My doggies are LOVING their new lawn. What is it with long hair dogs and mud?

Anyhoo, hope y'all are having a pretty day!

TTFN

I will survive...

Was it Gloria Gaynor who sang I will survive? If my (rapidly) failing brain is functioning correctly, she did, and I too, will survive! The weekend was rather emotional, but with the support of a WONDERFUL group op friends and my family, I got trough this as well... So, here goes a new week.

I know that all the 'first' are going to be hard to deal with - my gut tells me so (and my therapist confirmed it!) and I'll deal with things as and when they happen. Think this is a healthy process.

On another note, starting to finilize the garden and should be able to put op a few picks soon. All I can say is that the sun in Pretoria was merciless this weekend! I look like a boiled lobster. (That reminds me, time for a seafood dinner sometime.)

Only two more weeks and then I'm off on holiday for ten days with my folks. We're going to the Kruger National Park for a few days, looking forward to that. And I thought we might drive into Mozambique too as there is a place I want to go and look at - a holiday home for the future. It's only a 280km(175miles)trip one way from where we will be - a quick three hours excluding the border post. Should be fun!

Well, here I am dreaming away about the future and my work is waiting - better get started.

Have a pretty week y'all!


TTFN

My week...

This week has been a total 'baaheetch' with me being so busy that I hardly had time for my 'social life', or lack thereof really. Work is crazy with me running around at the moment playing 'silly bugger' with a couple of sub - contractors and employees. Why must everything be taken personally? Honestly, when I say that you're too pedantic I mean that in the nicest possible way... (EVIL GRIN!)Anyway, the week is over (well, nearly) and I'm now settling in for the weekend, and it is going to be a bit of a tough one...

Dawie's birthday is tomorrow - on Valentine's day. He would have turned 40 this year. I'm sure that he would have insisted on inviting all our friends around for a OTT party with lots of food and beverages, but I'm going to be spending the day quietly at home with doggy school in the afternoon - weather permitting. I don't think I want a whole bunch of people around me...

So, that's my weekend.

Hope y'all have a pretty one,

TTFN

Weekend.

The weekend was fun in a strange and (once again) busy way. Friday night I spent at my parents place, mom is very teary at the moment and seems to need a lot of support, so I'll be a good little gay son and give her lots of hugs and kisses, and cook her nice, feelgood meals. Not that I cooked, the housekeeper did, but at least I ate it with her...

Saturday was dog school - and I fried in the sun again. At least this time not in my face as I had this hidiously large straw sun hat on - looked like a caracter from a Jerry Springer show in drag I tell you! And then my doggie wanted to 'attack' this big old Rottweiler, so my screams had everybody looking in my direction. I'm such a butch thing sometimes (He says VERY red faced!). Then in the afternoon it was some gardening and cleaning up of stuff around the house...

Sunday was nursery time - spent too much money on some plants and pots. As my backyard (It's a bit of a stretch to call it that, but bear with me) is cramped, I thought that planting herbs in pots would be a good idea. So, my new projects is a 'pot garden' at the back door... Should be fun! The afternoon was spent with my older sis and her hubby - good folk they are!

So, overall quite the busy weekend - again.

Now, back to work and then face the traffic home...

Hope y'all had great weekends as well!

TTFN

Stuff...

Life is quite busy at the moment - think the universe has worked it out that way to keep my mind of 'things', and finding time to do things I enjoy is quite the challenge... So, what's happened in the last bit that has made my life so crazy:

I've been given extra responsibility at work. Basically, due to the economic crisis (feeble excuse, but ok) they are not going to fill a position that has become vacant and I'm now responsible for those folks as well. Hey, it's not like I didn't have enough to do to start with but at least it's a challenge and I see a difference at the end of the month on my 'tip slip'.

Dawie's estate is dragging on and on and the company that is handling it is driving me nuts. I did not expect it to just 'go away' but I was hoping to get it behind me as soon as I could, but it seems this is going to take at least a year to resolve. Will take this one a day at a time, it's the only way...

I've bought a new car. The idea is basically to sell both the cars and get one to replace it. Only problem is that I now have three cars standing at home as I have not sold the other two yet... I am the king of procrastination after all...

It seems my daughter (read dog) is going to go on heat soon and then we'll try for pups... So, I gonna be a granny! Yorkies are such cute puppies - I know already that I'm going to battle with having them go to other homes - and they're not even born yet. (Never mind made yet!)

The garden is in progress - I'll post some before and after pics when we're done. It will include a potted herb garden in the back, a water feature in the front (to drive the neighbours moggy) and a special memorial corner for my Skapie. This is the one thing that I'm really enjoying at the moment. It's fun and good for the soal...

Just a quick update on what's going on in my life if anybody's interested. Sorry for not posting more often but time is really limited...

Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend!

TTFN

The US, the President and the very big future...

Last night I lay in front of the TV and watched one of our local channels broadcast from Washington. It was a momentus occation for the people of the US, and I personally think that this will, in time, have an effect on the rest of the world as well.

Whether President Obama will be able to change as much as he promised remains to be seen but lets be honest, worse that 'that silly little Texan' he cannot possibly do. I wish him, and all the people of the United States the absolute best. There is a lot to be done at home and with regards to their foreign policy.

Mr President, you will be in my prayers as well!

TTFN

Weekend.

The weekend is once again ahead of us and I'm, as has become usual the last bit, not really looking forward to it. It's pretty lonely in the house at the mo - yes, the dogs are there and yes friends pop in all the time but I'm still in bed alone on a Sunday morning. That was our special time every week. A time we just lay there talking and drinking coffee and eating pastries - whatever blew our hair back. Even when he was as sick as a dog we would still follow this ritual. I miss him...

I'm busy writing him a letter. My therapist suggested it, and it seems to be helping a bit, even if it means that it's VERY emotional and I'm battling to write a paragraph at a time. This too shall pass...

So, here's wishin' y'all a happy and love filled weekend. And to my friends in the Aviation industry - I'm so glad you're OK and nobody got seriously injured!

Hugs,

B

Therapy...

So, with so much that happened recently and me feeling quite alone at times, I thought that therapy would be in order. Now, besides the actual therapy where I get to speak to my therapist for an hour a week, other therapy has come to mind, and now I have to choose between:

1. Laying out a new garden and making it happen. Dawie and I both love(d) to be outside, and I feel that a new space at home will not only keep me busy over the weekends, but will also be a good thing to remember him by.

2. Redecorating. But I don't think so, as we recently did do the whole house and I'm not ready to change all of that yet...

3. Veg'in in front of the box. Once again, not a bad option but it does tend to make me feel, well, useless and numb. And, it seems that the universe is out to make me cry like a total girl - had a rerun of Ghost the other day on Classic and I sat and watched it... NOT a good idea!

4. Taking a nice long holiday. This, I feel, is maybe a really good idea! Mom and me, in a car just driving and seeing where we end up. Or, maybe just me on my own - I will still see... Or, really going for it and buying an air ticket to somewhere in the world I'd like to go - New York, Phuket, London, Sydney...

5. Retail Therapy - No, not really an option. Everything I want I have - except for the one thing that I really want and can't have anymore... Not that he was for sale.

The sadness is still here, the heartache is ever present, but the good memories are starting to win the battle. I'm sure that every first will be dramatic - first birthday alone, anniversary etc, but this too shall pass and he will live in my thoughts forever!


On another note. Dawie was quite a keen poet. He wrote this poem for me before he passed away.

I KNOW YOU LOVE ME

Darling, I know you love me
You don’t have to tell me, this I can see
When I was sick, your love showed as you stood by my bed,
Your love showed as you held me close and caressed my head.

You showed me love each and every day,
You showed me your love in many and all kinds of ways.
Your love for me held fast when I would give way to tears,
It was your love for me that helped me when I was filled with fears.

It was your love that helped me through times that were so trying,
Your love would never let me see frustration and crying.
Darling, I knew you loved me right from the start,
I will love you always, from deep in my heart.

I know that you love me,
Your love for me showed throughout the suffer,
I know you love me, so please God help me
To acknowledge the love of my lover.

Darling, I just know you love me,
‘cause a more loving lover there couldn’t be,
I will always have a special place for you in my heart,
I know this even if we are now apart.

Hope you have a blessed day.

Emptiness and keeping busy...

It's been nearly two weeks now since Dawie slipped away from me on Christmas Eve. I'm back at work (as of today) and arranging everything with his will and policies and 'stuff' has kept me occupied, mostly. It's tough. I don't wish this feeling I have on my worst enemy - if I had any that is. (Don't think I do, but averybody crosses somebody at some time in their lives...)

Anyway. There is just so much confusion in my life at the moment, and to be completely honest, I don't think his death has sunk in yet. I still think I should go and visit him in hospital, or expect him to walk trough the front door after a work trip... I will give up everything just to hold him in my arms for a few minutes more, to tell him I love him and to tell him to go in peace. We did talk about this, but it still feels like we did not have enough time to say everything.

I need to tell the story of his last few days, but it's still to raw for me. I need to tell it 'cause it's really beautiful, but not right now.

What the hell am I going to do now? He's no longer here and I have nothing more to really live for... I am surounded by friends and family but this is the lonliest I've ever been in my life.

What now? What now?

My darling husband...

Dawie...

My darling husband passed away on Christmas eve. At this moment I just feel pain and sorrow, and I have no words, but the most important thing is that he's no longer in pain...

Dawie, I will love you forever...

Seasons greetings.

To all my friends in Cyberspace I hope you have a blessed Christmas spent with the people you love and hold dear, and that it will be a peaceful time for all.

I'm off work as of today and will be fetching Dawie from the hospital this afternoon. He will be spending as much time as we can at home - depending on his condition, but the plan is to make this a very special Christmas for him. I decorated the house this weekend with lights and put up the Christmas tree in the lounge - thanks to my dear sisters and their husbands who helped me. So, this evening when he gets home it's going to look a lot like Christmas...

So - to all and their loved ones : Keep them near and cherish them, for one never knows what tomorrow brings.

B.