'this the season for some folly...

Enough already... This black mood of mine has only succeeded in making my life a misery and this stops now! Here, immediately. I've got so much going for me and here I am having my own little pity party and thinkin' - why me?

Well, the answer is pretty simple really. You get what you give out - so if I send out all this negative energy, all the negativity will come my way. But, if I change my silly ways and give out positive energy, positivity will come my way. This is not really rocket science or even some 'zen' way of doing things, it just is a fact of life! Nobody who has ever thought that he or she was unable to be happy in a specific situation has ever been - invariably they are completely miserable. Fact!

So, as of today I choose to see the good and pretty in other people and my environment. I see that Dawie's death nearly two years ago was maybe not the best thing to ever happen to me, but our life was, and if he had not passed away I would not have found FC and been so lucky now. Life is full of strange twists and turns - some of our making, other that happen to us. It's the way we react to those changes and twists that makes the difference here.

So much to be thankful for really - I have a family that supports me fully, a great job in one of the most beautiful city's in the world, a stunning home in that same city and only 4 kilos from my office, my health, enough money to do the things I want to do, a BF that is attentive and give me so much love and attention even from afar, doggies (children) that just give unconditional love every day, a safe and secure lifestyle... So much to be thankful for!

And then there is you - the poor people that have to read my drivel. Bless you all too, for you my dear friends, are as important to me as anyone else, and despite my mood/lack of posting/laziness/general crappyness you're still here. Bless you in abundance!

Now go out there and kiss the one you love more than is needed, hug the people you care for until your arms hurt, and eat, drink and be merry, for this life needs to be amazing, and it can only be so if you make it so!

TTFN

Yeeeehaaaa!!!!

I know, I know, after a while you should stop shouting about some things, but I'm still so proud of myself...


Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 426 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes and 16 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 8531
Lifetime Saved: 2 months, 5 days, 4 hours
Money Saved: S1,491.00

Just thought I'd share this! 14 Months y'all!!!

TTFN

Going crazy...

So, exactly how much work can one human being do in one day? Oh, apparently it's quite a bit more that I though was possible... Yes, the office has been as crazy as they come and to add to my misery, it's the coldest and (this might come as a surprise!) wettest winter in years.


It never rains in winter in Joburg - well, never is a harsh word, it's very rare to get rain in Joburg in winter. It's usually cold and dry, now it's freezing and wet. I hate it. It's like Chinese water torture just not so much fun...


But enough moaning. It's one more night that I get to hand back 'the hounds from hell' to my parents and go back to my perfectly arranged and calm life. Strange how we adapt to our own environment, no? I mean, I grew up in that house - it has not really changed that much but now it drives me NUTS! I'm into calm, clean, perfectly ordered life and space and that is what I have in my own home. Maybe I'm just really pedantic...


TTFN

Air France...

I really did not want to post about this but with so many friends in the aviation industry, both here in SA and across the world, it makes me sick... How is it possible for an entire plane to just disappear without a trace? And for 126 men, 82 women, 7 children and a baby to lose their lives in an instant...

One South African was on the plane - a father of three young ones, and it's splashed all over the news and papers on this side. As I work in the media it's obviously even more 'in your face' that it would normally be, and they keep on running the story over and over again. Sometimes I think that 'my industry' is really cold and calculating. I mean, you're working with people's emotions and feelings here, not some inanimate 'thing' that is not affected by what your publish...

Just going trough a bit of an emotional 'conundrum' at the moment. Where do we draw the line? What should be published and what would be better left alone.

Oh well, the old adage says: Good news is bad news, and bad news is brilliant news...

Have a pretty weekend y'all!

TTFN

Thursday's little bit of wisdom/stupidity!

Had such a lovely evening with the young one, we talked, laughed, ate Thai food and generally just got to know each other a little better... And then my mind starts racing all over the place again and starts wondering if it's too 'soon' to start seeing someone again? Or what kind of future would a relationship with someone HALF my age have? Or, or, or...

Then, after thinking about this for a little bit I thought - just enjoy it sweetie! I cannot possibly know what tomorrow holds for me, or where I'll be next week. Yes, I can plan stuff and have a pretty good idea, but at the end of the day nobody knows for sure, so let the moment be exactly what it is at that moment. Let things slide and just be myself...

So that is my wisdom for today. No Witty commentry or snide remarks or 'bitchiness', just:

'LET IT BE'

I'm gonna try...

TTFN

Quit-aversary!

I'm actually quite proud of myself....



Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 365 days, 13 hours, 22 minutes and 40 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 7311
Lifetime Saved: 1 month, 25 days, 20 hours
Money Saved: S1,277.50

Now, how is that for an achievement. One whole year without the 'stuff'.

TTFN

My new 'hobby'.

I had a stunning herb salad with snoek (An oily white fish) & smoked haddock fish cakes for dinner last night. The herb salad was made with ingredients from my own garden - I had this sheepish grin the whole time I was preparing dinner and I really enjoyed it! More so because it was grown in my own back yard! Mummy is VERY impressed with himself today!

A couple of things I've noticed about 'gardening' - if that is what you can call me watering a few plants, weeding a bit and generally just standing there admiring the landscapers work, gardening.

It's good for the soul! It truly is relaxing and your mind just clears. After spending nigh on two hours in 'serious' traffic there is just nothing better than standing outside as the sun sets and watering my little patch of earth.

I'm spending more time outside now that there is something to look at. I use to get home, switch on the AC and get busy with my things inside, but now I'm setting the little table outside for dinner, lighting a candle and enjoying my dinner el fresco. My housekeeper thinks I've gone moggy (It is still quite warm), but I'm loving it!

I'm spending more time at home (When I'm home) - not running away from the 'feelings' inside anymore. To be honest, been finding any excuse of late to not be at home, so this is good too. Think I'm settling into my new 'single person' routine. Don't do well as a single person, but this is the cards I've been dealt and I will play them. Anyway, not even remotely ready for another relationship...

All in all I think this is the best thing I could have done. It's good for me - and it keeps me busy.

A few pic's to entertain/bore/nauseate etc etc.

Bowls I bought in Swaziland from Ngwenya Glass - Glass & Ceramic.


Sunset on the Crocodile River from my parents place. Sooooo stunning.

TTFN

Weekend.

The weekend is once again ahead of us and I'm, as has become usual the last bit, not really looking forward to it. It's pretty lonely in the house at the mo - yes, the dogs are there and yes friends pop in all the time but I'm still in bed alone on a Sunday morning. That was our special time every week. A time we just lay there talking and drinking coffee and eating pastries - whatever blew our hair back. Even when he was as sick as a dog we would still follow this ritual. I miss him...

I'm busy writing him a letter. My therapist suggested it, and it seems to be helping a bit, even if it means that it's VERY emotional and I'm battling to write a paragraph at a time. This too shall pass...

So, here's wishin' y'all a happy and love filled weekend. And to my friends in the Aviation industry - I'm so glad you're OK and nobody got seriously injured!

Hugs,

B

New week - last week...

It's been such a crazy time of late - I know I know I've said that already, but it just seems like my life is running away from itself... I will try and sort out my time better once I start at the new job next week!

Yes, I've been head hunted by an affiliate company in the group I work for and I'll start with them from the beginning of November. Should be a challenge and a new exciting prospect - very young crowd and young 'vibe' at that group, so going to have some fun. I think I'm truly blessed that in the VERY insecure economic times that I still get to grow my career (and income) - this in spite of the the fact that EVERYBODY is cutting back staff. So, this is my last week in the company I'm in at the moment and I still have a few things to complete and hand over.

We've just gone trough another series of tests with Dawie and it's mostly good - his liver function was a little shaky but that is being treated now. He's gained a total of nearly 10kg since June and he's starting to look like a human being again - less stick insect like. He still needs to gain at least 10 kilos to be back where he was, but we're getting there. I, on the other hand, need to lose some of these 'love pounds' I've gained since my return to SA. You see - I try and cook food that will help hubby gain the weight, but it also means that I gain the weight! Not so good for a person that is prone to obesity - and I quit smoking, so it's a bit of a double whammy! Oh well, it's half an hour on the stepper three times a week for me.... Hate that bloody stepper - climbing stairs to nowhere!

Have made a mental note that I should really try and 'get to' my blog more often and also try and read my 'blog reads' more often as it feels like a bit of a void in my life at the moment. Now to make the time for that...

Hope y'all are well, and hope that my US readers have 'fun' during their last few days of campaigning before your general 'erection'.

Go Barack Obama!

TTFN

My youth and Kenya now.

Had one of those 'reminisce' evenings last night - nay, I lie, could not sleep so the mind wandered a bit, and my thoughts took a stroll to my youth again. (Seeing as I'm such an old codger at the ripe old age of 38!)

Twenty odd years ago I was an Innocent-ish young man with very little experience of life. I grew up in a typical Afrikaans home where rules were rules and you obeyed them, end of story. My parents (bless them) were WAY more liberal and progressive than most. Yes, I grew up as a privileged little boy with parents that encouraged us to think and to 'debate' the situation in our lives, but we were also very 'guarded' as to the 'big bad world out there'! This is not a bad thing - my parents protected us as any parent would, and we somehow managed to survive despite our guarded upbringing. But to get back to twenty years ago when I left my parents home.

My first experience out in the real world, all on my own that is, was when we went on our 'Matric Holiday' with a few friends. Matric is what your last year of High School is called in SA - or Grade 12 as it is called now. Then you're supposed to go off to further education - but in my case it was a case of going to do my National Service - Conscription was still very active in those days. That is a story that I've told before - just follow the link, so not going to get into that again. What I do remember so well thought from this time in my life was my awakening sexuality.

Here I was in a time when it was still very much taboo to be anything but a total 'skirt chaser' and I was on holiday with my group of male friends - all of whom where 'obviously' as straight as they come. (No pun intended - well maybe just a little...) Eight boys travelling trough what was then known as the Eastern Transvaal (Now Mpumalanga), hiking nature trials, skinny dipping under waterfalls, sunbathing on the rocks afterwards. It was such an innocent time... (Ja right, I hear you saying...)

At this stage of my life I was sexually active already - his name was C and he and I had been at it for quite some time already, but we both thought this was just a 'phase' and that we would still get married (to women darlings - try and focus!), have children/breed and live the 'normal' life. We were unaware that gay people actually existed - had normal lives and that this feeling that we had for each other was actually that L word. Now, thinking back, we had no real frame of reference at all - TV had no gay characters, it was not something that was discussed by anybody, and it was a very closeted society we lived in. (Which makes the new South Africa all that more special!)

What I'm getting at is that young gay men and women of today probably have it a lot better than I did in my time - in a open minded society, that is. Kenya reminds me of my youth to an extent when we had to live our lives under covers and behind closed doors. My wish for this country is that people will come to realize that Gay people are not evil, vile terrible creatures that intend on stealing their husbands (well, unless they're cute - KIDDING!) and calling the fashion police on them. (Maybe in certain cases it could be justified.) Maybe one day all people can live their lives as they choose and not be victimised for being themselves.

Just a thought...

Hope y'all have a pretty day now,

TTFN

It is official...

Yes, it is official. I am relocating back to South Africa by the end of next month... And, to be honest, I'm completely confused. I wanted this - I wanted to be 'home' to look after the hubby and to make sure that he is his own self again. It is my duty, nay, my pleasure to be there for him in his time of need and I'm looking forward to being the man he deserves. After all, love flourishes not just during the good times, but also during the hard times So why am I so sad?

I've learnt to love this country... No, not just this country, but I've learnt to love the people here.

The friendly, totally phenomenal nature of the Kenyan nation makes me feel at home - always. And that is what makes this place so wonderful. In fact, someone said to me a while ago that I'm a Kikuyu of South African Decent - but I think that because I'm so utterly tight with money! Oh well, I saw it as a compliment... I will miss my members of staff that I've learnt to love dearly, I will miss the humour in the traffic in the mornings when the Matatus drive like absolute maniacs. I'll miss the chaos of the city, and the peace and quiet at my home. I will miss the fruit that still taste like fruit - not just 'shiny mudguards' on the outside and watery and tasteless on the inside. I will miss my friends and work mates. Sad? Yes, sad that I have to leave this place and move on to other things, but also glad that I've been able to spend a small portion of my life in this place, and with these people. Glad that I've had the chance to learn from them, and that I've been able to see that joy comes from within...

Ah well, so it is then. ('So is dat dan' - my Dutch uncle used to say!) Now to decide what I'll call my blog from the end of the month? Any suggestions?

Have a pretty day now y'all!

TTFN

Smokin'

It's a few days now and my irriation levels are pretty high... You see, I need a fag (And not the nice kind!) NOW, but I've quit at long last and will continue to be strong - I hope!

This is a good thing...

Keep your fingers crossed y'all!

TTFN

I know I've posted this pic before but it funny!

The 'colonial' lifestyle.

A while ago I saw an interview with Richard E Grant. He grew up in some British colony (I do not remember which, my short term memory is SHOT!) and had a little gem of wisdom to share on colonial living. The three B's - Butlers, Booze and Bonking - or something like it. (STML - Short term memory loss has set in...) Why I thought of this is 'cause a few friends came over for dinner last night as I'll be away for a while and, well, we needed an excuse to drink a bottle of good red wine that I got as a gift from houseguests a while ago... (Trying to thin out the stock

As most people in Kenya, I also have a housekeeper to look after the normal day to day running of the household. Honestly, I wouldn't be as happy a camper as I am if this man was not in my home, making sure the place is neat and tidy, the basic foodstuffs in the house are fresh and available, and that services are paid and done. Really great to have this 'little luxury' in my home. Anyway, I didn't let him know that we would have guests for dinner last night, but in less than an hour he prepared a feast for dinner. We had Chipati (local version of a tortilla, I think), stir fried chicken strips marinated in oriental spices (Sesame Seed oil, oyster sause, soy, garlic, herbs and chili), a nice 'salsa' of tomato, avocado, spring onion and yellow pepper with a balsamic dressing, a bowl of fresh mixed lettuce leaves, tsatshiki (Cucumber and Yogurt), grated mature cheddar and a stunningly sweet fruit salad for desert. The meal was basically a 'build your own' around the dining room table - take a chipati and fill it with whatever it is your heart desires.

As for the other B (Bonking), I'm a failure. But, got the butler and the booze covered...

Have a pretty day now y'all!

TTFN

Looking back at 2007.

It's nearly the end of the year, and as most (well, some at least...) of us do, we make New Years resolutions that are broken within the first few hours of the new year. I, however, do not have new year's resolutions, but goals for a new year. And now is the time to look back and see how I've done...



1. Love my hubby even more - Impossible not to do, so check! He makes every day worth living.



2. Go to at least 5 new interesting places I've never been - check! (Kilifi, Lamu Island, Dar-es-Salaam, Kampala & Watamu plus lots more, but it becomes long winded.)



3. Quit smoking - Mmmm, not so much check... But at least I've cut down dramatically...



4. Lose the tube - Ongoing check - lost a total of 9kg and 6 inches around the waist already and still going strong. Looking and feeling a LOT better.



5. Don't lose my temper so badly - Sort-of check. I think I've matured a lot this year, but still lose my rag a little sometimes.



6. Get fit - Check! Hitting the gym-thing three times a week, every week. Can feel it in my energy levels and also in my lower back that use to give me hell, but its no longer painful all the time. (Maybe the acupuncture helped here too.) No six pack yet (Don't think it will ever be) but at least a flat-ish stomach, and I don't drag over my own tracks in the sand with my droopy arse anymore...



7. Grow my career - Big time check! I feel that this year I really achieved a lot, and it has meant a lot for my career growth as well as my personal satisfaction achieved! I've learnt a lot about stuff I've never done before, I've spent time with some of the most dedicated people in their respective fields, and also shared so much knowledge with my staff.



8. Have fun - Another big time check! Had some real fun with my staff - it's a laughing office, and had real fun away from the office. Learnt how to drive a four wheel drive trough mud and went 'playing' quite a few time.



9. Get over my irrational fear of spiders - Miserable failure... Never will get over this one. I still scream like a girl if there's a spider within 400 nautical miles.



10. Love and live more - Big time check! This has been such an honest year for me. Disappointments, yes a few, but mostly I can say that I've really lived.

Now it's time to set my goals for next year. It get more challenging every year...

Hope y'all have had your dreams come true!

TTFN

My life as I see it.

Sitting here with Depeche Mode playing on the old iPod-thingy - in fact, song is 'Try Walking in my shoes', so feeling all philosophical and deep. I've been on this earth for close on 39 years, had my share of happiness, sadness, stupidity and moments of pure brilliance (a.k.a pure luck!), and all the current 'fluctuations' in my life has made me think of how truly wonderfully rich I am.

Yes, I am rich beyond measure, but not in the way that people usually use the word. I am rich in that I have somebody in my life that truly loves me for who I am, and not what I can provide. I am rich with a family that loves me dearly, and loves my partner for who he is. I am rich with a group of friends all over the world that will walk in my shoes, as much as I will walk in theirs. I am rich not because I have a bank balance that is in the black, but because of people around me - both physically and emotionally.

I might be as queer as a three dollar bill, but my life is as straight as a US Republican. (No wait, that does not work at all...)

I hope you all have a stinking rich weekend!

TTFN

Random thoughts and stuff.

A while ago, I did a post on a bit of my personal history as it makes us what we are, and also what we will become in life. Why start with this? Don't know - as usual, just sitting her typing away trying to make sense of it all... That is where and why I started this blog.

This is a forum that I can share stuff 'without' having to worry about people getting hurt or feeling as if we stab them in the back (and in the process getting it of my own backs) - but it also comes with some responsibility... There is so much 'out there' on the net that can be harmful or bad, but also so much that is good and worth reading/looking at. The bad stuff is unavoidable to an extent - people will always use a public forum to promote their own sick/warped ideas, but the good stuff - that is what makes the blogosphere so worth it. I've made some 'friends' here, people I do not know at all (in person, I mean), but people that have a place in my life. People that will - even if I never meet them, always be part of a time in my life that was both exciting and terrible.

I've been contemplating my 'career move' to Kenya for a while now, and I'm wondering whether this is worth the effort and time spent away from loved ones. (Well, basically, one specific loved one...) The experience has been invaluable, but I'm just wondering in the back of my mind what I've missed. It's been two years now that I've been away from home, and as much as hubby and I chat/text/skype/call etc etc, I still need that contact with him. He is such a wonderful and giving person, but how do you give of yourself over the Internet or a phone? Yes, we discussed this move at lenght before the time, but in hindsight I'm no longer so sure... Just seem so removed at the moment.

My goodness, just reread this post and it is a bit all over the place.

Hope y'all have a fruitful day now.

TTFN

Crouch, Touch, Pause... ENGAGE!

The rugby world cup is about to start soon, and as a good 'Souf Efrikan' boytjie, I will be watching most games in anticipation to see how my 'bokke' perform. To be honest, not really too excited about their prospects, but will still support them with all my heart...

The caption for the pic on the left is:

Crouch, Touch, Pause... ENGAGE! (Really 'tickled' my funny bone!)

Makes me think of my 'youth' to an extent as well. You see, I spent my high school years in an Afrikaans High School in the years when segregation was still 'the law' in SA, and as a warm blooded afrikaans boytjie, you had no real choice in the matter when it came to inclusion in a rugby team - that, or you were branded a 'moffie' (Faggot). Boy, did they make a mistake with me...

I've always been a bit left of centre, and flatly refused to be included in a rugby team. (In hindsight, I think I would have loved to play the game, but was just trying to be difficult and not a conformist...) So, I chose to play hockey instead, and got branded for it. If they only knew... Would have loved to 'scrum' with a few of the first team rugby players! Now, at least, I enjoy watching the game and enjoy supporting my team. It's also a good way to socialize with friends.

That's all for today folks - now, y'all have a fruitful day, see!

TTFN

Weekend & Shopping.

We were blessed with a nice sunny/rainy/sunny weekend. Did a few things, but in general did not really occupy my time too much - in fact, Sunday was spent around the house - in vegetable mode...

On Saturday I did a bit of shopping - my laptop bag broke a while ago, and have not found something that I really like to date, but popped into 'Sand & Storm' and found this 'butch' little number - made of canvas and leather and I think it suits my 'African' lifestyle to a tee... (Mine is more a green colour canvas.)

I'm very hard on a laptop, travel a lot and this poor thing gets lugged all over the place, so me thinks its good to put it in a bag that is a bit more sturdy, and can take all the paraphernalia that goes with business travel.

Then I did the first 'drive trough' furniture shopping I've ever done in my life! All over Kenya you get the 'jui kali' shops - jui kali in Swahili means 'in the hot sun' and it basically means guys that make their living by manufacturing furniture, gates, metal works etc etc next to the road in the hot sun. Here is a picture of my 'jui kali' guy, Peter in his little place on earth. I call him my 'jui kali' guy, 'cause his done a lot of work for me, and I will not go to another one - he knows my little 'idiosyncrasies' by now... Basically, the drive trough bit came this Saturday 'cause it was pouring with rain in the morning, and it was extremely muddy next to the road where his shop is. As Peter knows my car by now, he came up to the car when I stopped to order a new 'outside sideboard' for my veranda. We duly did the whole transaction while I was seated comfortably in my car, and poor Peter ran to and from his little shop to show me samples, colours, finishes etc. I will post a picture of the sideboard when it's done - which should be next weekend! Handmade, custom made and cheap as chips...

Sunday I made a stunning leek and sweet potato soup and spent the day lounging around the house. Oh, I nearly forgot - also purchased three pieces of art for the middle guest room - just having it framed and will be able to collect on Friday. Will also post a picture of these when done.

All this shopping is surely a sign of something - think it's me trying to reward myself for quitting smoking! Not quite there yet, but down to three fags a day now (The dirty nasty kind, not the nice 'edible' variety! - Keep your minds clean guys!)

Gotta get back to my life now, been trying to post something intelligent all morning!

Hope y'all have a wonderful, fruitful day!

TTFN

Thanks...

A 'friend' sent me these...

Quite appropriate I thought!

Now, I hope y'all have a pretty day now!

TTFN

Ps: Going a lot better today, not so moody, starting to really dislike the 'taste' that the fag leaves in my mouth, and had my first siggie after 9 this morning - instead of first thing as I wake up...

Baby steps...

Smoking & my mood!

I know it's probably all in my head (as in phsycological you dirty bastards!) but I'm in a bit of a mood today! I've cut down to one every four hours or so, and in between I'm CRAVING a fag! (Well, that too, but this one comes with a Camel logo...) Oh, and it's payroll time - so sitting here checking spreadsheet upon spreadsheet of data to make sure we don't skip anybody at the end of the month. My desk is covered in a multitude of colourful files - red (temporary staff), orange (contract staff), blue (permanent employees - editorial), green - well, more turquoise really (permanent employees - advertising) etc etc etc.

So why am I quitting? Besides the obvious reason - it's not good for me, I actually have this all worked out in my mind - should make no sense to another human being, but these are my reasons...

1. I hate the smell of smoke on my clothes! (BTW - have never smoked in my own house or car - cannot stand the smell of it!)

2. Dawie and I are saving for a long, expensive holiday - We worked out that between the two of us, we spend nearly R1400 ($200) per month on smokes, and if we save this money, we can take a trip to a favourite holiday spot next year December. (Holidays are cheaper in SA) We've opened an additional savings account for this purpose, and will be depositing the money there every month. This is our incentive...

3. Smoking has become a hassle - no smoking areas, no smoking in public places... Now it's a 'schlep' to go for a siggie...

4. It controls my life, instead of me controlling it!

There is surely a lot more that I can say here, but these are the main reasons. I refuse to be controlled by a smelly, expensive addiction any longer. (Self talking to self!)

Now, y'all keep your fingers (and toes) crossed, cause this is going to be a battle - but it's still SO worth it!

TTFN