Uninspired...

Been really bad at trying to keep this blog going of late, and it's mostly 'cause I feel completely uninspired. Have thought of a few things I could post on here, even written a few, but then chose to delete or just not post as it all seemed a little negative and 'black' to me. Don't want anybody to go into a constant state of depression because of my rantings...

That said however, a lot has changed over the last month and a half since I've last posted anything here. My mood is a lot better, my general health is a lot better and I feel a lot better about myself as well.

It was the one year anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th of December, and my therapist (how special is this woman?) made a special arrangement to spend time with me in the morning. She was actually on leave and invited me to her home to have a session with me - little old emotional, unbalanced, neurotic me! She had us seated in her garden (really stunning place outside of town) and we had a good cry TOGETHER! You have no idea what that meant to me. It was the most amazing thing - it felt as if a ton of worry was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I know not why, but that specific moment - and that eve which I will talk about now, was the most phenomenal experience of relief I've ever had.

Later - friends organized a little remembrance ceremony. We each said a few words and lit candles for him, and then we had a few drinks and a laugh - Dawie would have been proud, he would not have wanted us to be miserable and sorry for ourselves. And later still, I had the most amazing dream where he visited me... I know, that all sounds very airy fairy, but it felt so real, and brought such peace, that it cannot be anything but real and true...

I dreamt that he was in bed with me, and he lay next to me the way he always did. He looked me in the eye with those deep brown, soulful eyes of his, and told me that he loved me. Then he put his head on my shoulder, and cuddled up next to me like he always did. He put his hand om my chest and said - ''I can feel your heart beating. Be strong my love, be strong. You will be happy again..." And then he just lay there, holding me, loving me... I cannot remember when he 'left' again, but I woke up later with tears streaming down my face, but such an unimaginable sense of relief... It was truly him that came to comfort me!

And now - well, life goes on. Back at work, still seeing the therapist that does not take shit from me, sort of dating again (Just going out and spending time with folks, nothing more!), and just generally trying to go on - and succeeding mostly. Life is pretty - and it's getting prettier by the day...

TTFN

Journal'ing...

Never really bothered keeping a journal or diary or whatever you want to call it. Always felt that this was a 'rather silly thing to do that keeps folks busy with rubbish. But as the 'therapist from hell' suggested I keep one, and also said that I only needed to write down the first five words that came to mind when I sat down to do it, I thought it could not really hurt...

Well, It started about two weeks ago. I went out and bought a nice leather bound journal'lly thing (have to have some style, I'll have you know!), and sat down the nest morning before my morning coffee and wrote down the first five words that came to mind. Then, I put it next to the bed and carried on with my day. The next morning, the same thing - quick few words and there we go. But on the first Saturday morning, I felt a little lonely and decided to write a few more word - still the first five words, but this was followed by a paragraph of ramblings and thoughts. And now - every morning it's a whole page (sometimes two!) of me running of my mouth at whatever comes to mind.

And yesterday, I read some of the things I've written of the last few days... Boy oh boy - have I got issues! But, that said, this is the first time in my life I've been able to put words to my feelings. Yes, I've written about how I feel and what I feel but it was always on level where I could manage it or say what people needed to hear. I mean, I'm an expert at doing that, but this - wow, I'm stumped. I've never been so brutally honest with myself. It's good. It's all good, I think...

So, once again this sneaky little bugger of a therapist has made me do something I did not really want to do - look inside and see the 'real' me...

TTFN

Another session...

So this 'lady' - and I say that loosely, has me by the short and curly's. I'm a complete sobbing idiot when I walk out of her rooms... And yes, it's probably the right thing that's happening, but geez like - why am I such an emotional mess. Maybe because it's now December and last year this time I was surrounded by people all the time, but I've never felt lonelier. Maybe it's because Dawie was very ill during this time and I managed to sleep all of an hour or two a day caring for him. And maybe it's because all these memories are surfacing at the moment, and they are pretty painful.

Also not really sleeping at the moment - can't keep 'stuff' out of my head, and this means that I basically lie awake most of the night thinking. This leads to me being tired the next day and not really being able to give my work it's all, which means I'm falling behind, which means I need to put in extra time to catch up - nice vicious circle hey? Will be going on leave for a few weeks on the 15Th, but that is still two weeks away, so have to cope with the here and now.

And then, to top it all my little nephew (7 years young) is diagnosed with leukemia... Poor little guy - such a terrible thing to go trough, and he is such a sensitive child as well. I know the doctors say there is a 96% chance of it going into remission, but it still means he has to go trough the treatments and that opens all shorts of wounds.

Sorry - I sound like a real agony auntie - all about what is wrong instead of looking at some of the positives. I should be thankful about so much, but it all seems a little infantile at the moment... I'm sure the sun will shine again, and I'm sure it will even shine on me, but at this specific moment I don't really feel that.

TTFN

The new therapist.

At yesterday's session I finally got a comment from a therapist that I could relate to. You see, I sometimes think they are there so you can 'cure' yourself. After all, how easy is it to manipulate and control a situation? If you're just a little clever you can manage the therapist to think that things are OK when they clearly are not - and to be honest, I'm pretty good at that... I know, it's not really honest or the right way of doing this, but I manage situations all the time so I'm bloody good at it!

So, here is a new 'head lady' that sees right trough my little plot and makes me open up and say things that I've never told another human being. To call her manipulative would be wrong, to call her clever would be more accurate. Maybe it's also because I might have actually admitted to myself that I need help. That this will not just 'blow over and disappear' as I so wish it would, but that I have to deal with Dawie's death as a reality and not just try and carry on with my life. The fact is that I hide things - compartmentalise would be a good phrase, very very well. I can place things in little boxes and pack them away. The problem is, this little matter does not want to be packed away. It's like a darkness that keeps on crawling out of the box and back into my phyche.

The one thing she mentioned yesterday that really struck me was that I have never made the time to look after myself. Yes, I cope very well with making sure others are OK - I nursed Dawie during his illness, I help my family with their problems and finances, I help friends with their needs - making time for everybody I know, except for myself. It's easy dealing with others problems - it makes my own disappear for a little while, but it does not solve them. It does not make me feel better. On a superficial level maybe it does, but not deep down inside where it's needed. What a realization...

The other thing we talked about was the anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th. Now, I really do not want to face this but she suggested to make this a 'event' with close friends and family, and that we celebrate Dawie's life. Will think on this - but the idea has merit. Not entirely sure how to go about that though...

So, with three weeks to go to my Summer holidays, and work taking up most of my time at the moment, and emotions running amok at the same time, I close off this little episode of the 'gays of my life'...

TTFN

I've been a bad little blogger...

I'm not going to try and make excuses and tell you that I was in hospital or seriously ill or anything feeble like that. No, I'll just come right out and say it like it is/was - I have lost my inspiration to write and blog. There. That's it really...

And to be completely honest, I have not really got it back yet, but after speaking to my 'new' therapist last week, she suggested that I start writing again as a release for my emotional turmoil and 'basic fuckedupness'... So, here goes y'all!

My life is in a strange place at the moment. Work wise it could not be better - a new promotion and a better position in the company. Moved to the top floor of the building and have stunning view over the city of Jozie - that's if it does not rain all the time, but I digress. Financially I'm secure which is a true blessing in this time of financial turmoil and disaster, and I can even say that my physical health is pretty good - eating right and getting a little exercise as well.

But it's my emotional well being that is, well, for lack of a better word - a total disaster. I've been hiding behind everything I can think of not to think about Dawie and his death. I've been 'dating' young boys for a while to escape the reality of losing my wonderful husband. I've not spoken about him for weeks, and avoided any situation where he would be 'present' - and yet he is present in everything that happens in my life.

I cannot stop for a moment and give myself time - got to be busy all the time in order not to grieve, and it's catching up with me... I need to grieve, but cannot for the life of me get myself to 'let go' as I should. I always tell myself to grow up and be a man when all I want to really do is crawl into a small space and die.

I know this is 'pretty heavy' for a post - especially since I have not blogged for such a long time, but there is so much pent up anger and frustration that I honestly do not know how to handle this anymore. I've gone back to see a therapist - someone new that was referred to me by a friend, and I think she understands me a lot better than the previous one who thought it would be okay to tell my I'm cured after a few sessions. I cannot deal with this anymore. Honestly. Why should I want to? My little 'facade' is one of bravery and dealing with life, but my inside is a mess...

So - this is me trying to sort out my life now. I will use this blog to rant and rave and do whatever I need to to get trough this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to read here anymore - or not visiting. It will be used as a space to get my feelings out in the open and deal with stuff that I've been hiding forever - and this will be the space for very few people actually know who I am - and I want to keep it that way.

My life needs to change direction - and this is the first step...

TTFN

Yeeeezzzz!!!!

I've been terrible at trying to blog and get back up to speed at work. Blogging and being away from the office for nearly three weeks - not good for each other. I know, a feeble excuse, but it's true - I promise...


So, this weekend I will spend some quality time with my new laptop - oh, another excuse, but I digress, and make sure I give some nice highlights from the holiday and what's happening in my neck of the woods...


One of the highlights is that we (me and TYM) are going to see District 9 this weekend. Very proud that this was shot in Jozie (Mostly Soweto to be exact) and has an all ''Souf Efriken'' cast. The cartoon plays on a very common scheme to cheat folks out of their money called 419 usually run by Nigerians - very common here in the South of Africa.


Now here's wishin' yáll a really pretty, fruitful day!


TTFN

Yeeeehaaaa!!!!

I know, I know, after a while you should stop shouting about some things, but I'm still so proud of myself...


Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 426 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes and 16 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 8531
Lifetime Saved: 2 months, 5 days, 4 hours
Money Saved: S1,491.00

Just thought I'd share this! 14 Months y'all!!!

TTFN

Losing the odd pound...

So this is the last weekend that I'm allowed to just stuff stuff down my throat... Yes, as of Monday I'll be on my new fitness and health regime...

So, I have a personal trainer. I've had one session with her already - her nickname is Hitler, and I going to empty the cupboards off all the offending goods this weekend. Don't worry - not putting it in the bin, I'll eat it all! (Just kidding!) If there are no sweet treats in the house I cannot eat them. So it's going to be rice cakes and cottage cheese now - how very exciting!

Hitler - a short ULTRA fit little black lady has the bedside (treadmill side?) manner of sand paper but at least she's not intimidated. I'm about double her weight (if not more) and double her height so she could easily have stood back for my 'bitchy little disposition' but she does not back down - which is what I pay her for. The fact that I could not turn the steering wheel on my way home was apparently not that important to her... We will see how well this lasts but I have three (!!!!) sessions a week with her, so hopefully we will be able to see our feet in a couple of months... (It's not that bad, but it feels that bad! I can see my feet - I have mirrors.)

So, here we go from Goodyear Blimp to ... well, I don't know but at least my 'healthy lifestyle' is on the move.

Quit smoking - we've been having it,

Lose the weight - we should be having it,

Get fit - Hitler will be having it!

Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend!

TTFN

Honest Scrap... FINALLY!

Tamaku 'awarded' me with this little thingy, and I promised him I would get to it soon, so here goes... (Better late than never - and THANKS T!)



Apparently I have to post 10 things about myself and then award it to someone (7!) else... I will be leaving up here for anybody to post on their blog's if they feel so.

As for the ten things people should know/not know about me :

1. I'm a total Facebook addict. There, I've said it. And no, it's not under my blogger name...

2. At the moment I look like a Telly Tubby - put a purple tri-angle on my head and you would not be able to discern me from Twinky Winky (or whatever his name is), but this is being addressed. This happened after quitting smoking and with Dawie's passing - I'm a comfort eater. (Damn, another confession!)

3. I love my latest car A LOT and I drive it like it's stolen. I'm on a first name basis with the traffic department in Pretoria for all the speeding tickets I get, so this is a monthly 'budget item'. Not good... Pescy little camera traps!

4. I work. I know, it's hard to believe, but yes, even I have to earn a living. Who knew!

5. I'm a bit of a fussy eater. For one thing, I don't eat Guava. I also don't eat Guava... (Souf Efrikens will get the joke, not so sure of the rest of the world.)

6. I don't camp. My idea of 'roughin' it' is a lodge without aircon. If God intended us to sleep on the ground he would have given us a lot more padding. Oh wait - maybe I have this all wrong - see no 2.

7. I'm a little sarcastic sometimes - maybe even a little today...

8. I love my family a lot but they also drive me nuts - how that is possible I will have to figure out one day. Now, I just accept it. How fascinating!

9. I am unable to sleep in pj's. So, even in a hospital environment I will be nekkid under the sheets...

10. I'm a sucker for a puppy/dog. I will ignore everybody and go straight to the dog when arriving at someone's home. Cats, not so much though...

There, really random and the 'best' I can do right now...

Have a pretty day y'all!