BLESSINGS!

And so another Christmas passes us by. Wow, it seems so unreal that time flies so quickly - I mean, never thought I'd feel this young at 28 (Plus VAT plus interest plus pension tax...) With new year celebrations facing us at the end of this week, maybe it's time to reflect on the past year and to be thankful for what we have.

I can probably list a whole lot of individual things here, but there is one thing that has dominated my year and this is the single most important thing, and this little thing is simply called LOVE. I'm blessed beyond belief by people who love me, the love I can show others and the love that surrounds me everywhere I go. Friends, family, FC, my work mates, everyone!

How amazing is this that we can end a year and the only thing I can really think of is how wonderfully loved I am and how many folks I can love in return.

For this, I am truly thankful,

TTFN

'this the season for some folly...

Enough already... This black mood of mine has only succeeded in making my life a misery and this stops now! Here, immediately. I've got so much going for me and here I am having my own little pity party and thinkin' - why me?

Well, the answer is pretty simple really. You get what you give out - so if I send out all this negative energy, all the negativity will come my way. But, if I change my silly ways and give out positive energy, positivity will come my way. This is not really rocket science or even some 'zen' way of doing things, it just is a fact of life! Nobody who has ever thought that he or she was unable to be happy in a specific situation has ever been - invariably they are completely miserable. Fact!

So, as of today I choose to see the good and pretty in other people and my environment. I see that Dawie's death nearly two years ago was maybe not the best thing to ever happen to me, but our life was, and if he had not passed away I would not have found FC and been so lucky now. Life is full of strange twists and turns - some of our making, other that happen to us. It's the way we react to those changes and twists that makes the difference here.

So much to be thankful for really - I have a family that supports me fully, a great job in one of the most beautiful city's in the world, a stunning home in that same city and only 4 kilos from my office, my health, enough money to do the things I want to do, a BF that is attentive and give me so much love and attention even from afar, doggies (children) that just give unconditional love every day, a safe and secure lifestyle... So much to be thankful for!

And then there is you - the poor people that have to read my drivel. Bless you all too, for you my dear friends, are as important to me as anyone else, and despite my mood/lack of posting/laziness/general crappyness you're still here. Bless you in abundance!

Now go out there and kiss the one you love more than is needed, hug the people you care for until your arms hurt, and eat, drink and be merry, for this life needs to be amazing, and it can only be so if you make it so!

TTFN

So, be good to yourself...

Just read trough my previous post - oh boy, I'm such an idiot... Sometimes I just say stuff and not think - but maybe that is why I have this blog. It's anonymous (mostly) and no one knows who I am - so if I want to vent, I vent. If I want to make stupid comments and observations - I make stupid comments and observations. Who's gonna stop me?

There's the thing... If someone knows who you are and you say a few things that might be misunderstood or give offence, how do you 'take it back'? How do you unwrite something you've written? You can delete it, but you're stuck with what you've said. You cannot 'unread' a sentence or paragraph now can you?

So, this is a message from me to you today - be good to yourself at all times, and say what you want to say when you want to say it. Sometimes we hurt others with our words, but words are just that - words. You have a choice whether they gonna hurt you or not.

TTFN

Still going strong...

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 944 days, 17 hours, 1 minute and 7 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 18894
Lifetime Saved: 4 months, 24 days, 7 hours
Money Saved: S3,304.00

Of this and that...

So my girl went in for 'the operation' yesterday, and the youngest boy is going for his today. Not so sure this was a good idea to be honest - I was virtually in tears last night when my little girl, who usually cannot sit still for more than a few seconds, just lay there with these accusing eyes. I'm sure she will be back to her old self soon but I still feel guilty...

I know it's the best thing to happen - don't want any unwanted puppies or have the whole complexes dogs parking in front of our gate when she has her 'special time', and I'm also past the point of enjoying when little Jamee decides that he needs to mark his territory and part of that territory is the fridge... Just glad my little doggies are generally very healthy and happy.

FC (the boyfriend) loves them to pieces, and they love him too - after all, he spoils them rotten! What's really nice is to see how he interacts with them on a daily basis, and how much he cares for them. I still believe that people who love animals are special - and this is once again proved in this situation. Animals have a special sense of people, and I trust their judgement...

Further to that - planning a trip to NZ soon, planning this whole move of the folks to Pretoria, planning a trip to Botswana for business and then just waiting for Xmas to come... Can you believe this year is almost over? Unreal...

See - all over the place this morning. No coherent thoughts or writing. Don't you just love days like today...

TTFN

A fresh start!

Hey y'all!

I know, I've been away long enough so that everyone might think - he's probably passed along, or lost interest, or tried to stop a bus and lost, but here I am - still alive and well and still able to bore you to death with a lot of nonsense! A dear friend asked me a while ago how he could start a blog, and this inspired me to revive this here old blog again - thanks Heini...

So, what's new in my life?

Well, I have a BF that shares my life. The puppies are doing well. Mom and Dad are (probably) moving closer to me and the BF so we can look after them (Not so sure about this, but hey...). I'm still smoke free. The whole healthy living thing is working very well for me - lost A LOT of extra me! I've taken a transfer in the company and I'm now based about 4 km from home instead of doing a daily commute of 170km. Still in Pretoria. Life is pretty good in general.

The main thing here is to start writing again. It was very good therapy for me when I was away working in another country, and when Dawie got ill and passed away, and when I was dealing with all sorts of stuff, so maybe I would make an effort and get this going again.

That's all for now, but I will be back...

TTFN

Uninspired...

Been really bad at trying to keep this blog going of late, and it's mostly 'cause I feel completely uninspired. Have thought of a few things I could post on here, even written a few, but then chose to delete or just not post as it all seemed a little negative and 'black' to me. Don't want anybody to go into a constant state of depression because of my rantings...

That said however, a lot has changed over the last month and a half since I've last posted anything here. My mood is a lot better, my general health is a lot better and I feel a lot better about myself as well.

It was the one year anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th of December, and my therapist (how special is this woman?) made a special arrangement to spend time with me in the morning. She was actually on leave and invited me to her home to have a session with me - little old emotional, unbalanced, neurotic me! She had us seated in her garden (really stunning place outside of town) and we had a good cry TOGETHER! You have no idea what that meant to me. It was the most amazing thing - it felt as if a ton of worry was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I know not why, but that specific moment - and that eve which I will talk about now, was the most phenomenal experience of relief I've ever had.

Later - friends organized a little remembrance ceremony. We each said a few words and lit candles for him, and then we had a few drinks and a laugh - Dawie would have been proud, he would not have wanted us to be miserable and sorry for ourselves. And later still, I had the most amazing dream where he visited me... I know, that all sounds very airy fairy, but it felt so real, and brought such peace, that it cannot be anything but real and true...

I dreamt that he was in bed with me, and he lay next to me the way he always did. He looked me in the eye with those deep brown, soulful eyes of his, and told me that he loved me. Then he put his head on my shoulder, and cuddled up next to me like he always did. He put his hand om my chest and said - ''I can feel your heart beating. Be strong my love, be strong. You will be happy again..." And then he just lay there, holding me, loving me... I cannot remember when he 'left' again, but I woke up later with tears streaming down my face, but such an unimaginable sense of relief... It was truly him that came to comfort me!

And now - well, life goes on. Back at work, still seeing the therapist that does not take shit from me, sort of dating again (Just going out and spending time with folks, nothing more!), and just generally trying to go on - and succeeding mostly. Life is pretty - and it's getting prettier by the day...

TTFN

Journal'ing...

Never really bothered keeping a journal or diary or whatever you want to call it. Always felt that this was a 'rather silly thing to do that keeps folks busy with rubbish. But as the 'therapist from hell' suggested I keep one, and also said that I only needed to write down the first five words that came to mind when I sat down to do it, I thought it could not really hurt...

Well, It started about two weeks ago. I went out and bought a nice leather bound journal'lly thing (have to have some style, I'll have you know!), and sat down the nest morning before my morning coffee and wrote down the first five words that came to mind. Then, I put it next to the bed and carried on with my day. The next morning, the same thing - quick few words and there we go. But on the first Saturday morning, I felt a little lonely and decided to write a few more word - still the first five words, but this was followed by a paragraph of ramblings and thoughts. And now - every morning it's a whole page (sometimes two!) of me running of my mouth at whatever comes to mind.

And yesterday, I read some of the things I've written of the last few days... Boy oh boy - have I got issues! But, that said, this is the first time in my life I've been able to put words to my feelings. Yes, I've written about how I feel and what I feel but it was always on level where I could manage it or say what people needed to hear. I mean, I'm an expert at doing that, but this - wow, I'm stumped. I've never been so brutally honest with myself. It's good. It's all good, I think...

So, once again this sneaky little bugger of a therapist has made me do something I did not really want to do - look inside and see the 'real' me...

TTFN

Another session...

So this 'lady' - and I say that loosely, has me by the short and curly's. I'm a complete sobbing idiot when I walk out of her rooms... And yes, it's probably the right thing that's happening, but geez like - why am I such an emotional mess. Maybe because it's now December and last year this time I was surrounded by people all the time, but I've never felt lonelier. Maybe it's because Dawie was very ill during this time and I managed to sleep all of an hour or two a day caring for him. And maybe it's because all these memories are surfacing at the moment, and they are pretty painful.

Also not really sleeping at the moment - can't keep 'stuff' out of my head, and this means that I basically lie awake most of the night thinking. This leads to me being tired the next day and not really being able to give my work it's all, which means I'm falling behind, which means I need to put in extra time to catch up - nice vicious circle hey? Will be going on leave for a few weeks on the 15Th, but that is still two weeks away, so have to cope with the here and now.

And then, to top it all my little nephew (7 years young) is diagnosed with leukemia... Poor little guy - such a terrible thing to go trough, and he is such a sensitive child as well. I know the doctors say there is a 96% chance of it going into remission, but it still means he has to go trough the treatments and that opens all shorts of wounds.

Sorry - I sound like a real agony auntie - all about what is wrong instead of looking at some of the positives. I should be thankful about so much, but it all seems a little infantile at the moment... I'm sure the sun will shine again, and I'm sure it will even shine on me, but at this specific moment I don't really feel that.

TTFN

The new therapist.

At yesterday's session I finally got a comment from a therapist that I could relate to. You see, I sometimes think they are there so you can 'cure' yourself. After all, how easy is it to manipulate and control a situation? If you're just a little clever you can manage the therapist to think that things are OK when they clearly are not - and to be honest, I'm pretty good at that... I know, it's not really honest or the right way of doing this, but I manage situations all the time so I'm bloody good at it!

So, here is a new 'head lady' that sees right trough my little plot and makes me open up and say things that I've never told another human being. To call her manipulative would be wrong, to call her clever would be more accurate. Maybe it's also because I might have actually admitted to myself that I need help. That this will not just 'blow over and disappear' as I so wish it would, but that I have to deal with Dawie's death as a reality and not just try and carry on with my life. The fact is that I hide things - compartmentalise would be a good phrase, very very well. I can place things in little boxes and pack them away. The problem is, this little matter does not want to be packed away. It's like a darkness that keeps on crawling out of the box and back into my phyche.

The one thing she mentioned yesterday that really struck me was that I have never made the time to look after myself. Yes, I cope very well with making sure others are OK - I nursed Dawie during his illness, I help my family with their problems and finances, I help friends with their needs - making time for everybody I know, except for myself. It's easy dealing with others problems - it makes my own disappear for a little while, but it does not solve them. It does not make me feel better. On a superficial level maybe it does, but not deep down inside where it's needed. What a realization...

The other thing we talked about was the anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th. Now, I really do not want to face this but she suggested to make this a 'event' with close friends and family, and that we celebrate Dawie's life. Will think on this - but the idea has merit. Not entirely sure how to go about that though...

So, with three weeks to go to my Summer holidays, and work taking up most of my time at the moment, and emotions running amok at the same time, I close off this little episode of the 'gays of my life'...

TTFN

I've been a bad little blogger...

I'm not going to try and make excuses and tell you that I was in hospital or seriously ill or anything feeble like that. No, I'll just come right out and say it like it is/was - I have lost my inspiration to write and blog. There. That's it really...

And to be completely honest, I have not really got it back yet, but after speaking to my 'new' therapist last week, she suggested that I start writing again as a release for my emotional turmoil and 'basic fuckedupness'... So, here goes y'all!

My life is in a strange place at the moment. Work wise it could not be better - a new promotion and a better position in the company. Moved to the top floor of the building and have stunning view over the city of Jozie - that's if it does not rain all the time, but I digress. Financially I'm secure which is a true blessing in this time of financial turmoil and disaster, and I can even say that my physical health is pretty good - eating right and getting a little exercise as well.

But it's my emotional well being that is, well, for lack of a better word - a total disaster. I've been hiding behind everything I can think of not to think about Dawie and his death. I've been 'dating' young boys for a while to escape the reality of losing my wonderful husband. I've not spoken about him for weeks, and avoided any situation where he would be 'present' - and yet he is present in everything that happens in my life.

I cannot stop for a moment and give myself time - got to be busy all the time in order not to grieve, and it's catching up with me... I need to grieve, but cannot for the life of me get myself to 'let go' as I should. I always tell myself to grow up and be a man when all I want to really do is crawl into a small space and die.

I know this is 'pretty heavy' for a post - especially since I have not blogged for such a long time, but there is so much pent up anger and frustration that I honestly do not know how to handle this anymore. I've gone back to see a therapist - someone new that was referred to me by a friend, and I think she understands me a lot better than the previous one who thought it would be okay to tell my I'm cured after a few sessions. I cannot deal with this anymore. Honestly. Why should I want to? My little 'facade' is one of bravery and dealing with life, but my inside is a mess...

So - this is me trying to sort out my life now. I will use this blog to rant and rave and do whatever I need to to get trough this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to read here anymore - or not visiting. It will be used as a space to get my feelings out in the open and deal with stuff that I've been hiding forever - and this will be the space for very few people actually know who I am - and I want to keep it that way.

My life needs to change direction - and this is the first step...

TTFN

Yeeeezzzz!!!!

I've been terrible at trying to blog and get back up to speed at work. Blogging and being away from the office for nearly three weeks - not good for each other. I know, a feeble excuse, but it's true - I promise...


So, this weekend I will spend some quality time with my new laptop - oh, another excuse, but I digress, and make sure I give some nice highlights from the holiday and what's happening in my neck of the woods...


One of the highlights is that we (me and TYM) are going to see District 9 this weekend. Very proud that this was shot in Jozie (Mostly Soweto to be exact) and has an all ''Souf Efriken'' cast. The cartoon plays on a very common scheme to cheat folks out of their money called 419 usually run by Nigerians - very common here in the South of Africa.


Now here's wishin' yáll a really pretty, fruitful day!


TTFN