No longer in Kenya (aaah!) but still a Kenyan at heart...

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Uninspired...

Been really bad at trying to keep this blog going of late, and it's mostly 'cause I feel completely uninspired. Have thought of a few things I could post on here, even written a few, but then chose to delete or just not post as it all seemed a little negative and 'black' to me. Don't want anybody to go into a constant state of depression because of my rantings...

That said however, a lot has changed over the last month and a half since I've last posted anything here. My mood is a lot better, my general health is a lot better and I feel a lot better about myself as well.

It was the one year anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th of December, and my therapist (how special is this woman?) made a special arrangement to spend time with me in the morning. She was actually on leave and invited me to her home to have a session with me - little old emotional, unbalanced, neurotic me! She had us seated in her garden (really stunning place outside of town) and we had a good cry TOGETHER! You have no idea what that meant to me. It was the most amazing thing - it felt as if a ton of worry was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I know not why, but that specific moment - and that eve which I will talk about now, was the most phenomenal experience of relief I've ever had.

Later - friends organized a little remembrance ceremony. We each said a few words and lit candles for him, and then we had a few drinks and a laugh - Dawie would have been proud, he would not have wanted us to be miserable and sorry for ourselves. And later still, I had the most amazing dream where he visited me... I know, that all sounds very airy fairy, but it felt so real, and brought such peace, that it cannot be anything but real and true...

I dreamt that he was in bed with me, and he lay next to me the way he always did. He looked me in the eye with those deep brown, soulful eyes of his, and told me that he loved me. Then he put his head on my shoulder, and cuddled up next to me like he always did. He put his hand om my chest and said - ''I can feel your heart beating. Be strong my love, be strong. You will be happy again..." And then he just lay there, holding me, loving me... I cannot remember when he 'left' again, but I woke up later with tears streaming down my face, but such an unimaginable sense of relief... It was truly him that came to comfort me!

And now - well, life goes on. Back at work, still seeing the therapist that does not take shit from me, sort of dating again (Just going out and spending time with folks, nothing more!), and just generally trying to go on - and succeeding mostly. Life is pretty - and it's getting prettier by the day...

TTFN

3 comments:

Rob Inukshuk said...

It's been a while, but this post is a real positive one. You have made much progress and that therapist of yours is awesome.

I know how real Dawie's visit must have felt and the positive effect undeniable. I'm happy to read that you are a little further down the road and you are keeping on keeping on.

A Lewis said...

Completely uninspired??? Oh please. In spite of how we FEEL, it doesn't mean that it's always 100% accurate, does it? Even when we feel uninspiring,doesn't mean that we're not inspiring to others.

"Just David!" said...

That's the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time. I'm actually crying as I type this. People always come back from no matter where they are when we need them the most! I'm happy that he did that for you! One of these days I'm going to get there and see all these fabulous places you talk about. And, what a fantastic therapist you've got there!! xoxo