Journal'ing...

Never really bothered keeping a journal or diary or whatever you want to call it. Always felt that this was a 'rather silly thing to do that keeps folks busy with rubbish. But as the 'therapist from hell' suggested I keep one, and also said that I only needed to write down the first five words that came to mind when I sat down to do it, I thought it could not really hurt...

Well, It started about two weeks ago. I went out and bought a nice leather bound journal'lly thing (have to have some style, I'll have you know!), and sat down the nest morning before my morning coffee and wrote down the first five words that came to mind. Then, I put it next to the bed and carried on with my day. The next morning, the same thing - quick few words and there we go. But on the first Saturday morning, I felt a little lonely and decided to write a few more word - still the first five words, but this was followed by a paragraph of ramblings and thoughts. And now - every morning it's a whole page (sometimes two!) of me running of my mouth at whatever comes to mind.

And yesterday, I read some of the things I've written of the last few days... Boy oh boy - have I got issues! But, that said, this is the first time in my life I've been able to put words to my feelings. Yes, I've written about how I feel and what I feel but it was always on level where I could manage it or say what people needed to hear. I mean, I'm an expert at doing that, but this - wow, I'm stumped. I've never been so brutally honest with myself. It's good. It's all good, I think...

So, once again this sneaky little bugger of a therapist has made me do something I did not really want to do - look inside and see the 'real' me...

TTFN

Another session...

So this 'lady' - and I say that loosely, has me by the short and curly's. I'm a complete sobbing idiot when I walk out of her rooms... And yes, it's probably the right thing that's happening, but geez like - why am I such an emotional mess. Maybe because it's now December and last year this time I was surrounded by people all the time, but I've never felt lonelier. Maybe it's because Dawie was very ill during this time and I managed to sleep all of an hour or two a day caring for him. And maybe it's because all these memories are surfacing at the moment, and they are pretty painful.

Also not really sleeping at the moment - can't keep 'stuff' out of my head, and this means that I basically lie awake most of the night thinking. This leads to me being tired the next day and not really being able to give my work it's all, which means I'm falling behind, which means I need to put in extra time to catch up - nice vicious circle hey? Will be going on leave for a few weeks on the 15Th, but that is still two weeks away, so have to cope with the here and now.

And then, to top it all my little nephew (7 years young) is diagnosed with leukemia... Poor little guy - such a terrible thing to go trough, and he is such a sensitive child as well. I know the doctors say there is a 96% chance of it going into remission, but it still means he has to go trough the treatments and that opens all shorts of wounds.

Sorry - I sound like a real agony auntie - all about what is wrong instead of looking at some of the positives. I should be thankful about so much, but it all seems a little infantile at the moment... I'm sure the sun will shine again, and I'm sure it will even shine on me, but at this specific moment I don't really feel that.

TTFN

The new therapist.

At yesterday's session I finally got a comment from a therapist that I could relate to. You see, I sometimes think they are there so you can 'cure' yourself. After all, how easy is it to manipulate and control a situation? If you're just a little clever you can manage the therapist to think that things are OK when they clearly are not - and to be honest, I'm pretty good at that... I know, it's not really honest or the right way of doing this, but I manage situations all the time so I'm bloody good at it!

So, here is a new 'head lady' that sees right trough my little plot and makes me open up and say things that I've never told another human being. To call her manipulative would be wrong, to call her clever would be more accurate. Maybe it's also because I might have actually admitted to myself that I need help. That this will not just 'blow over and disappear' as I so wish it would, but that I have to deal with Dawie's death as a reality and not just try and carry on with my life. The fact is that I hide things - compartmentalise would be a good phrase, very very well. I can place things in little boxes and pack them away. The problem is, this little matter does not want to be packed away. It's like a darkness that keeps on crawling out of the box and back into my phyche.

The one thing she mentioned yesterday that really struck me was that I have never made the time to look after myself. Yes, I cope very well with making sure others are OK - I nursed Dawie during his illness, I help my family with their problems and finances, I help friends with their needs - making time for everybody I know, except for myself. It's easy dealing with others problems - it makes my own disappear for a little while, but it does not solve them. It does not make me feel better. On a superficial level maybe it does, but not deep down inside where it's needed. What a realization...

The other thing we talked about was the anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th. Now, I really do not want to face this but she suggested to make this a 'event' with close friends and family, and that we celebrate Dawie's life. Will think on this - but the idea has merit. Not entirely sure how to go about that though...

So, with three weeks to go to my Summer holidays, and work taking up most of my time at the moment, and emotions running amok at the same time, I close off this little episode of the 'gays of my life'...

TTFN

I've been a bad little blogger...

I'm not going to try and make excuses and tell you that I was in hospital or seriously ill or anything feeble like that. No, I'll just come right out and say it like it is/was - I have lost my inspiration to write and blog. There. That's it really...

And to be completely honest, I have not really got it back yet, but after speaking to my 'new' therapist last week, she suggested that I start writing again as a release for my emotional turmoil and 'basic fuckedupness'... So, here goes y'all!

My life is in a strange place at the moment. Work wise it could not be better - a new promotion and a better position in the company. Moved to the top floor of the building and have stunning view over the city of Jozie - that's if it does not rain all the time, but I digress. Financially I'm secure which is a true blessing in this time of financial turmoil and disaster, and I can even say that my physical health is pretty good - eating right and getting a little exercise as well.

But it's my emotional well being that is, well, for lack of a better word - a total disaster. I've been hiding behind everything I can think of not to think about Dawie and his death. I've been 'dating' young boys for a while to escape the reality of losing my wonderful husband. I've not spoken about him for weeks, and avoided any situation where he would be 'present' - and yet he is present in everything that happens in my life.

I cannot stop for a moment and give myself time - got to be busy all the time in order not to grieve, and it's catching up with me... I need to grieve, but cannot for the life of me get myself to 'let go' as I should. I always tell myself to grow up and be a man when all I want to really do is crawl into a small space and die.

I know this is 'pretty heavy' for a post - especially since I have not blogged for such a long time, but there is so much pent up anger and frustration that I honestly do not know how to handle this anymore. I've gone back to see a therapist - someone new that was referred to me by a friend, and I think she understands me a lot better than the previous one who thought it would be okay to tell my I'm cured after a few sessions. I cannot deal with this anymore. Honestly. Why should I want to? My little 'facade' is one of bravery and dealing with life, but my inside is a mess...

So - this is me trying to sort out my life now. I will use this blog to rant and rave and do whatever I need to to get trough this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to read here anymore - or not visiting. It will be used as a space to get my feelings out in the open and deal with stuff that I've been hiding forever - and this will be the space for very few people actually know who I am - and I want to keep it that way.

My life needs to change direction - and this is the first step...

TTFN

Yeeeezzzz!!!!

I've been terrible at trying to blog and get back up to speed at work. Blogging and being away from the office for nearly three weeks - not good for each other. I know, a feeble excuse, but it's true - I promise...


So, this weekend I will spend some quality time with my new laptop - oh, another excuse, but I digress, and make sure I give some nice highlights from the holiday and what's happening in my neck of the woods...


One of the highlights is that we (me and TYM) are going to see District 9 this weekend. Very proud that this was shot in Jozie (Mostly Soweto to be exact) and has an all ''Souf Efriken'' cast. The cartoon plays on a very common scheme to cheat folks out of their money called 419 usually run by Nigerians - very common here in the South of Africa.


Now here's wishin' yáll a really pretty, fruitful day!


TTFN

Back from the hols...

So, I'm back in Pretoria and back at work - urgh! Not my favourite thing, and now even more so. It's time to start preparing budgets. That is about as much fun as having your leg hairs removed by a Russian Beauty Therapist with a pair of tweezers...

So, lots to tell y'all and lots of pictures to post, but for now - just this little one taken on my mobile - on the road to the Northern Cape, driving at about 180 kph (about 110mph) To be honest, this is the longest stretch we did and it's straight (look in the rear view mirror) as an arrow and never ending - stretches of 400 km between towns. The other fun thing was that at one point somebody overtook me...

Now, y'all have a pretty, fruitful day now!

TTFN

Apollo Moon Mission.

Some humour for a Monday Morning...

Now y'all have a pretty week now,



TTFN

A bit of this, a lot of that...

Yesterday, 40 years ago my dearest mom, HIGHLY pregnant with me was listening to the radio, and was specifically listening to how Neil Armstrong spoke 'those words'. A few days later I was born... Not that that is what I want to write here - my birthday this year just seems so insignificant - and I'm as emotional as hell at the moment, so we're going to skip that one...


Mom and I are on our way to go and look at the wild flower display in the Northern Cape. Namaqwaland to be exact. It's an arid desert type landscape that, once a year, turns into the most phenomenal flower garden. It's absolutely stunning! Then on to Cape Town for a few days and then back home via the Garden Route. A round trip of about four to five thousand kilometers covered in three weeks. This is my birthday present to myself. Dawie and I saved up to go for a nice trip together on my fortieth (We would have gone to the US) but I've decided that this will do... Anyway, I'm in no mood to travel on my own. And I promised my Mom a trip to the flowers before her seventieth.

I feel completely uninspired and 'lifeless' at the moment - maybe just tired, maybe this long cold winter getting to me, or maybe I'm just not dealing with everything as well as I think I am. A dear friend commented that I'm not myself this weekend when we went for breakfast. I don't know - I'm coping, I think, mostly... Just not ready to break down again and deal with this, so it's easier just to avoid it... There - that my solution, stick my head in the ground and hope it goes away!

So - long story short - I'll be away for the next month. Hope y'all are happy and healthy!


TTFN

My ears are bleeding...

It's been one of those days where the first meeting started at nine, ended at twelve thirty, next one at one till three and the next one starts at four... My ears are bleeding - and I cannot say another word.

But maybe I should just be thankful that I still have a job in this time of uncertainty and people losing jobs left right and centre. And maybe I should be thankful that I even got an increase (a rather generous one at that!) as from next month. And maybe I should be thankful that I have friends and family that have supported me always, whatever my mood is...

And I am thankful, truly. And blessed.

But now - my ears are bleeding from all the talking that's been going on all day. And I'm tired. And I want to go home to my dog's and to T.Y.M who is visiting tonight.

Two weeks to my winter holiday...

TTFN

Doing my bit for the enviroment...

I'm consciously trying to reduce my carbon footprint at the moment, making small changes to my life and household to try and see if I can, in my own little way, improve a little.

So, in light of this little 'effort' from my side, I'm now part of a lift club! Yes, 'Mister Control Freak' is in a car that another person drives for three hours of a working day, two weeks of the month... It's actually quite nice not having to drive and concentrate on the traffic, but it also means that I need to relax and not try and tell him how to manage things. My weak point really...

Also installing a solar geyser at home - hey, the government (Eskom) sponsors you to do so, and this should happen in next week. It will also reduce my electricity consumption. (I found out last week when I spoke to my dad that my electricity bill is higher than theirs, and they are two people in the house!)

So, long story short, I'm going green!

Now just to teach the dogs to stop 'breaking wind' and we'll be greener than Greenpeace!


Have a fruitful weekend y'all!

TTFN

MJ.

I know there have been numerous 'jokes' about MJ's death and I don't always think they are in good taste, but this one is OK and 'once again' very Souf Efriken - so enjoy.


Not too creative at the mo, so won't bore you to death with non-sensical ramblings...

Have a fruitful day now y'all,

TTFN

A nice, quiet weekend...

As it's been BITTERLY cold (Global warming my bottom!) this weekend, The Young Man (T.Y.M) and I spent most of the weekend indoors and alone. And to be honest, it all felt very comfortable and 'familiar' - if that makes any sense at all. It just seems like we've know each other longer than we have and he seems comfortable with my 'extremely' pedantic ways, and I'm comfortable with his ways as well. It feels good...

Friday night we got some take - out and DVD's and spent the night on the couch with the doggies. Also went to bed quite early as it was one hell of a week and he had to work on Saturday Morning, so no lying in then. Think I've told you, but he's a student and has five different jobs to pay for his studies and 'upkeep'. Hard working little individual... I made some coffee and he was off to work. I then took the pick up to get washed as we had to go of to doggy school in the afternoon.

This is the brute that we're busy training at the moment, but my two also go along as there is a 'play group' for the other pup's while we are busy with the training part. He's a South African breed of dog called a Boerboel. (This pic' was taken when he was just over a year old and he's developed a bit more since then...) He's a wonderfully intelligent and protective animal and I bought him specifically to protect my elderly folks. He's passed basic obedience, advanced obedience and is now busy with something called 'man training' where he is taught to protect a specific person/group of people from attack. What this basically means is that he will only attack someone if they threaten or attack the person they were trained to protect, which is my mom and dad. He's extremely strong and fast, so it does take a bit of strength to manage him sometimes, but he's very good with my mom... Oh, and he's spoilt rotten by her - so maybe that's why he's so good with her - don't bite the hand that feeds you and all of that!

Saturday eve we once again spent indoors reading, talking, having some dinner - pizza this time. Sunday morning we went to church together (Now don't act all surprised, I am a man of morals I'll let you know!) and then went to the shops for a few household necessities. Went home and I made us a nice Chinese Stir Fry with Black Bean Sauce and Mung Noodles. The rest of the day we once again just spent around the house - T.Y.M combed and conditioned the puppies, I watered the garden and did some washing, all very ordinary and domestic really.

And this is what I mean by comfortable and familiar. He's so comfortable just 'being' with me, and I'm comfortable just being with him. It's nice. I'm happy. I'm enjoying this now...

TTFN

Pretty weekend to y'all!

VERY South African humour, but some of y'all might understand it...


TTFN

Pics...

The bath in our room, with no fences between the house en the 'wild bush' outside.




View from the bedroom. Big glass doors that can be opened.

One of the big five - was not really into big game viewing this time, had other things to keep us busy, but we did spot 3 of the big five - Buffalo, Ellies and a Rhino.

The birthday 'beverage' - Pierre Jourdan Cap Classique.

A little breakfast spread...

The Clubhouse lounge where we played board games at night while talking up a storm.

Outside lounge and dining area at the clubhouse.

Another view of the clubhouse lounge area.

On the open vehicle looking for game.

Cute little sign at a coffee shop we stopped at on the way.

Enough for now...

TTFN

Stuff...

The weekend was great! Fun, exciting, great food and wine, wonderful company and some of the most scenic areas I've seen in a long time.

And cold nights with fireplaces and warm feather duvets to keep us warm... Nothing quite as nice as lying in the dark, looking over the African bush (Lit by the moon) trough wall to ceiling glass doors in the glow of a fireplace. I am truly blessed...

And as for the young man. We had the best time together. We laughed, talked, had deep meaningful discussions, silly meaningless discussions and really enjoyed each other company. It seems I'm developing more than a fleeting interest in him... Which still feels a little wrong so close to Dawie's death, and then there's the nearly 19 years age gap to contend with too.

As for the place - it's absolutely stunning. Not only is it exquisitely decorated and maintained, very well designed and fully integrated into the surrounding nature - the service was also friendly, efficient and non - invasive, which is exactly what you need when you're on a break. They will definitely see us again. (And I will post some pictures soon - when I have a bit more time.)

So, a quick 'check in' to say that all is well in the world of the Kenya Worm, that my smile is genuine and my heart is warm.

Hope y'all had fruitful weekends!

TTFN

Weekend...

So, this weekend we'll be spending some time in a Private Game Reserve in the Waterberg area in Limpopo Province. Firstly it's a LOT warmer than it is in the City at the moment (Joburg was zero degrees C this morning!) and all the big five roam in the reserve were we will be staying.

It's also the young man's 21st birthday, so we'll be celebrating that as well on Sunday. (My goodness, where was I when I turned 21...) Should be a most enjoyable weekend, and they offer one of those 'bush bath' numbers which I'm really looking forward to... For those that don't know, they place a large copper bath in the bush away from everyone and then fill it with steaming hot water and bubbles. They then leave you there for an hour with only a screen to protect your privacy from the armed guard that in turn protects you from the wild animals. Hope he's not too freaked out by the moaning... (Obviously the moaning will be from the very hot water!)

So here's wishing y'all a pretty weekend filled with love, smiles and sunshine. Mine will be filled with good food, lots of champers and long, slow days.

TTFN

Half a year...

Today, six months ago, Dawie left me. Today, six months ago, my heart was broken in so many pieces that I thought it could never be repaired again. Today, six months ago, I lost the one person in this world that I was truly willing to die for, I loved him so. Today, six months ago, my life changed forever. Today, six months ago, I thought that the easiest way to handle this pain was to end it all. Today, six months ago, I lost everything I held dear...


Today, I feel sad at the loss of my love, but also feel that I can handle life on my own again. Today, I feel as if there is something to live for, even if it is sometimes a little 'shallow and non-sensical'. Today, I can function pretty well most of the time, with the occasional breakdowns. Today, I found out that life is truly amazing, and the human spirit can heal - even if it's a slow process...


Tomorrow, I will rise and face another day, but today, I will do what needs to be done and nothing more. Today, I'm thinking of the past, and that one person that made my life worth living for...


TTFN

A big old kick in the butt...

This morning I'm thinking of my dear friend Bruce who is in hospital for a heart stent - and to be honest, I'm really worried about him. His family has a history of heart problems, and Bruce has diabetes to boot...

I met Bruce and his partner trough Dawie (They were his closest friends) and I've become very close to them over time - in fact, I would consider them some of my closest friends. They carried me trough my roughest patches and have always been there for me, and now I feel a little helpless - there is not much I can do at the moment except for being there for them and giving them my support. So, here's thinking of you guys today...

It's been one of those weekends where you wish it was a day or two longer. Yesterday was Fathers Day here in SA, and I spent the day at my sisters with all the family. Really great food (as per usual) and a stunning KWV Cab Sav with lunch.

The young man and I are going away for his birthday this weekend to a private game reserve in the Northern Province - about 4 hours driving from Pretoria - plus 40 minutes from where you park your car to the lodge via Land Rover. Really looking forward to that as well but it still feels a little unreal to be 'seeing' someone new... Just taking one day at a time!

And that, dear reader, is my boring life at the moment. Yesterday was the longest night/shortest day here so winter is 'on it's way out' as of today - better move it's arse, the cold is getting to me! I'm cranky when it's cold...

Hope y'all have a pretty week now - and fruitful obviously.


TTFN

The nectar of the gods...

I have a well publicised love affair with beer. When in Kenya it was Tusker, but my new love is Peroni... Don't really drink that much, but boy, a cold beer is one of the rare pleasures of man... (BTW - the links will only work if you're over the legal age in your Country of Residence - how very corporately responsibly of them!)

So, to honour this little obsession of mine, here are a few choice pictures!

Now I hope y'all have a pretty weekend!

TTFN

Yeeeehaaaa!!!!

I know, I know, after a while you should stop shouting about some things, but I'm still so proud of myself...


Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 426 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes and 16 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 8531
Lifetime Saved: 2 months, 5 days, 4 hours
Money Saved: S1,491.00

Just thought I'd share this! 14 Months y'all!!!

TTFN

Economic Downturn...

This seems to be the 'catchphrase' of the moment. Everyone is talking about the world's economic recession and what influence this is having on all and sundry. And even here on the Southern Tip of Africa it is having a profound effect on everyone - including me...

I've never believed in having too much debt, so on that level I'm actually smiling and my standard of living has not really been affected much, but for my parents, well, they are really feeling the effects. Not that they have any debt, but they are retired and are living of the interest on their investments - and with interest rates at an all time low, their income is a lot less than it was, say, a year ago. And pricing of general home ware and groceries are at an all time high. Tough one - so once again proving that no matter how well we plan things for our old age, it's not going to work out exactly as we planned.

To be honest, they are moaning with the golden spoon in the mouth - they still only shop at a high end grocery store, they still go on 'holiday' (Would you call it holiday if you're retired?) 6 to 8 times a year, but I can see that the economy is pinching a bit...

And this brings me to my point - I don't have children to fall back on if I ever get to that point in my life. My folks can bargain on me and my sisters to look after them if the need arises, but where will I look to if I ever get into that position? My Yorkies - as much as they would try, would not be able to look after daddy dearest in his moment of need? Not that my folks would ever be dependent on us, but they have the fallback, and I just don't...

Just a thought. A morbid one, but a thought none the less...

Have a pretty weekend y'all!

TTFN

Going crazy...

So, exactly how much work can one human being do in one day? Oh, apparently it's quite a bit more that I though was possible... Yes, the office has been as crazy as they come and to add to my misery, it's the coldest and (this might come as a surprise!) wettest winter in years.


It never rains in winter in Joburg - well, never is a harsh word, it's very rare to get rain in Joburg in winter. It's usually cold and dry, now it's freezing and wet. I hate it. It's like Chinese water torture just not so much fun...


But enough moaning. It's one more night that I get to hand back 'the hounds from hell' to my parents and go back to my perfectly arranged and calm life. Strange how we adapt to our own environment, no? I mean, I grew up in that house - it has not really changed that much but now it drives me NUTS! I'm into calm, clean, perfectly ordered life and space and that is what I have in my own home. Maybe I'm just really pedantic...


TTFN

House Sitting.

I'm house sitting at the moment for my parents. Not that I do not have a home of my own to look after as well, it's just that they have a LOT of dogs and animals and it's a lot easier to look after them in their own environment, and my puppies are better adapted at not being at home...


The one female daschund passed away on Saturday evening - she would have been 19 years old in July, so she's had a full innings, but it's still quite the shock to see a little animal die right in front of you. Also, all sorts of wounds opened up again... So, on Sunday morning, I put on my brave face and load her little body into a basket and drive off to the vet's to have her cremated - we're a civilized people here in the South of Africa... I leave her in the car and go inside to pay the fee. Meanwhile the cutest gay couple are buying dog food at the same time and the vet (who I know well) comes out to console me and give me a 'punch in the arm', and there my emotions take over and the tears are STREAMING down my cheeks... (Gawd, I'm such a girl sometimes!) So I have a (rather cute) vet holding me in his big strong veterinary arms on the one side, the cute gay couple offering to help me and buy me coffee on the other, and a receptionist who is hurling tissues at me like a women possessed - and all I want to do is bury myself with shame... What is a lad to do?


So, with that completed and Mom called - very emotional, I'm back at home - my parents home. Now with only five dogs, a very noisy parrot and a very nosy housekeeper. Please Friday come so I can return to my little enclave of sanity in Pretoria.


TTFN

Air France...

I really did not want to post about this but with so many friends in the aviation industry, both here in SA and across the world, it makes me sick... How is it possible for an entire plane to just disappear without a trace? And for 126 men, 82 women, 7 children and a baby to lose their lives in an instant...

One South African was on the plane - a father of three young ones, and it's splashed all over the news and papers on this side. As I work in the media it's obviously even more 'in your face' that it would normally be, and they keep on running the story over and over again. Sometimes I think that 'my industry' is really cold and calculating. I mean, you're working with people's emotions and feelings here, not some inanimate 'thing' that is not affected by what your publish...

Just going trough a bit of an emotional 'conundrum' at the moment. Where do we draw the line? What should be published and what would be better left alone.

Oh well, the old adage says: Good news is bad news, and bad news is brilliant news...

Have a pretty weekend y'all!

TTFN

Well I never...

This sort of flies in the face of the 'nature vs nurture' argument, doesn't it?

I've always believed that my parents did a sterling job of raising me and my sisters, so how could it be the 'nurture thingy'...

Feeling about as creative as driftwood at the moment so not really posting much. It just seems that my life sort of flows from one day to the next - it's all an enormous gray blur. Sure it's partly because of winter having hit us with a vengeance - not my favourite season.

So, long story short - I'm not going to bore you with some long winded account of my life at the moment. I have a few posts that I've written and not posted, but that will have to wait until I feel like editing and making them worth reading...

Hope y'all are pretty!

TTFN

Hanging around...

Going to a birthday party tonight for a French couple that have made Pretoria their home. She is a student at UP (An Afrikaans university - brave women) and he's a computer geek but quite a nice one - can actually have a conversation without switching over to binary code... I met them trough the 'young man' recently and this whole 'relationship' I'm having with him is, well, for lack of a better word, enlightening. (I think...)

You see, he's turned out to be a rather intelligent and worldly wise little man. He's nearly twenty one, works four different jobs to support himself and pay for his studies (does this on his own, no help from parents, loans or bursaries), works as an AIDS councillor at an organization for gay folks in Pretoria, is well read, speaks four different languages, the list goes on... At twenty one I was a walking hard - on, that's all I was interested in, and spoilt rotten - my parents were paying for my studies and I got a generous allowance every month, had a car of my own, a house of my own and partied away every single day.

What changed? Now I'm responsible, but it took me nearly twenty years to get there... All I'm really trying to say is that I'm really enjoying his company and attentions. Still not sure if I'm 100% ready to commit to someone new though...

Hope y'all have a really great weekend!

TTFN

Why I watch Rugby...

Do y'all understand now?

TTFN

Weekend Fun.

The weekend was so needed and yet, I'm knackered this morning... Probably my own fault as I did not take the time to rest a bit and last week was HECTIC crazy at work. Can't wait for middle of June when we have a public holiday again and I can take a long weekend. But in the meantime, will have to make a point of taking it a little easy.

Friday evening I went to dinner with a few friends and enjoyed our usual spot tremendously. HEAT is a 'family friendly' restaurant that caters for a customer that does not want to be rushed trough his meal - I'm a bit of a local there...

Then on Saturday it was Rugby Semi Finals at Loftus in Pretoria and I went to go and watch the game - yes, I'm quite the butch little number if I wanna be. I've always been a Shark supporter but they did not make it to the semi's so I'll support the only South African team left in the race - and they won, so this weekend it's Finals, again at Loftus. Will see if I can get tickets, they are pretty scarce...

Then yesterday T and I went for breakfast, went to the Roof Market at Rosebank. She was looking for a painting and I was dragged along as the 'gay friend with an eye for decor'. Not intending to buy a thing - the house is full enough, I decided that I'll only get some delicacies at the deli (pun not intended) as they have a stunning selection if olives, stuffed pepadews, cheeses and cold meats. This was for dinner on Sunday evening as the young man was coming over for a visit.

Well, we ended up eating all sorts of fun little nibbly bits in the bedroom, and then made a nice platter for ourselves to enjoy afterwards... Great, fragrant blue cheese, olives stuffed with garlic and olives stuffed with blue cheese, pepadews stuffed with feta, rare roast beef, great Camembert cheese and a freshly baked fresh loaf. Stunning... Really enjoying my time with the young man, he's intelligent, well spoken, soft hearted and in general just a really great guy. Don't know what's going to happen and not over thinking it too much. Will see what happens and just go with the flow.

So, that was my 'boring' weekend. Really need a little bit of a rest...

TTFN

Normal...

So last night I'm having a ball of fun at Rocky Horror and then I get home... As I'm a Facebook/Voyeur.com addict (Think I've admitted this before.) I quickly log in to 'check' and my aunt (My Mom's sister - we have a very special relationship - long story, will tell it one day.) has left a note on my wall...

Lately she's been really busy writing the nicest things on her updates about how we should treat others, love unconditionally, be ourselves regardless, smile, be happy etc etc. Really profound stuff. And then she writes on my wall that at our last Family Festival in September last year (a yearly get together of family for a weekend) Dawie, who at that stage was already really sickly and weak, told her that he would lay down his own life for me at the drop of a hat if it could save mine... I remember him saying this, and at that stage I dismissed it as 'just talk'... Now she tells me that her inspiration for all her 'words of wisdom' come from this specific incident, and that he was (her words) 'a stunning friend/partner'.

And here I am 'dating' again and starting afresh. I did not sleep a wink. I'm tired, emotional and a complete wreck today. How dare I just go on with life if Dawie meant so much to me? How dare I think that I could ever replace him?

I'm a mess...

Gawd - think I should start taking those 'happy tabs' again!

It's astounding, time is fleeting...

So me and young man are going out to watch the 'Rocky Horror Show' tonight. I've been to this specific show before (It's the second run at the theatre) and it really is worth it going. Dawie and I went together about 5 years ago...

Sure, the characters aren't as good as Tim Curry in the movie, but that's to be expected, and it really is fun when you all get to do the time warp together with the cast... Gawd - us 'gurls' love a good moment of drama and big arm movements!

When I was young (Back in 1920...) a friend had a Rocky Horror party and I dressed up as 'Frank N Fruter' - not looking completely dissimilar to Tim Curry in the picture on the right. As my car was 'non functional' that specific evening I 'borrowed' my sisters VW Beetle Bug and we piled into the car and drove off to the party. Later (Much later and quite a few bottles of liquid refreshment later) we decided to go to the local gay bar in Pretoria for a few more drinks. It was pouring with rain and me and 7 other friends piled into the Beetle.

As we drove down the hill in Waterkloof (A very posh upmarket area of Pretoria) I lost control of the car and slid into the front lawn of a rather imposing mansion on Lois Ave, coming to a halt just in front of their front door. As we started bailing out of the car (nobody got hurt, we were going very slowly) the owner of the house came rushing out to see what was going on. Now, try and imagine his face when he looked at me - mascara running down my cheeks from the heavy rain, a 6''4 man in suspenders and a leotard and a VERY LARGE wig being ruined by incessant rain... It took some convincing from our side for him not to call my parents. I did however have to explain to my sister the next day why her Beetle was not quite so pristine anymore after being 'parked' in the yard all evening. She just won't let me live that one down, btw.

So, tonight I'm on a 'date' - what fun, and this on a Tuesday evening. I'm such a rebel me...

TTFN

Winter is here!

And mummy is NOT a happy camper! I don't do winter very well. It a miserable time of the year. Part of what I loved about Kenya was that winter was all of three weeks long and it was never really that cold (I know my Kenyan readers will disagree, but see it from my point of view.) . This morning it was 1 (1, I ask you!) outside the car on the way to work. Pretoria (where I live) is always a few degrees warmer than Joburg (where I work) and this was in a dip on the way. Fine, it's a perfect 22 in the car and my buns are nice and toasty from the seat heaters, but it looks cold outside and it feels cold outside, so I'm miserable. And then I'm trying to lose weight this time of the year...

There are advantages to winter in South Africa - great winter fruit, sleeping under the goose down duvet, hearty stews and hot puddings with warm custard (Oh wait, trying to lose the pounds so that's out!), cuddling (miss Dawie...), nights in around the heater (miss Dawie still...), my doggies in their pj's - too cute for words, Mom's pancakes, Mom's vegetable soup (Heaven!!!), Woolies's smoked haddock chowder, etc, etc.

So, hold onto your loved ones, cuddle up under a warm blanket and enjoy the cold weather. I, on the other hand will be cuddling up to my dogs with the gas heater blaring in the corner...

Warm thoughts to all,

TTFN

Losing the odd pound...

So this is the last weekend that I'm allowed to just stuff stuff down my throat... Yes, as of Monday I'll be on my new fitness and health regime...

So, I have a personal trainer. I've had one session with her already - her nickname is Hitler, and I going to empty the cupboards off all the offending goods this weekend. Don't worry - not putting it in the bin, I'll eat it all! (Just kidding!) If there are no sweet treats in the house I cannot eat them. So it's going to be rice cakes and cottage cheese now - how very exciting!

Hitler - a short ULTRA fit little black lady has the bedside (treadmill side?) manner of sand paper but at least she's not intimidated. I'm about double her weight (if not more) and double her height so she could easily have stood back for my 'bitchy little disposition' but she does not back down - which is what I pay her for. The fact that I could not turn the steering wheel on my way home was apparently not that important to her... We will see how well this lasts but I have three (!!!!) sessions a week with her, so hopefully we will be able to see our feet in a couple of months... (It's not that bad, but it feels that bad! I can see my feet - I have mirrors.)

So, here we go from Goodyear Blimp to ... well, I don't know but at least my 'healthy lifestyle' is on the move.

Quit smoking - we've been having it,

Lose the weight - we should be having it,

Get fit - Hitler will be having it!

Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend!

TTFN

Thursday's little bit of wisdom/stupidity!

Had such a lovely evening with the young one, we talked, laughed, ate Thai food and generally just got to know each other a little better... And then my mind starts racing all over the place again and starts wondering if it's too 'soon' to start seeing someone again? Or what kind of future would a relationship with someone HALF my age have? Or, or, or...

Then, after thinking about this for a little bit I thought - just enjoy it sweetie! I cannot possibly know what tomorrow holds for me, or where I'll be next week. Yes, I can plan stuff and have a pretty good idea, but at the end of the day nobody knows for sure, so let the moment be exactly what it is at that moment. Let things slide and just be myself...

So that is my wisdom for today. No Witty commentry or snide remarks or 'bitchiness', just:

'LET IT BE'

I'm gonna try...

TTFN

Movies...

Tonight we (Me and young man) are going to the movies. Gonna watch the 'Wolverine' movie - directed by a fellow Souf Efriken - Gavin Hood. We're a proud people us Souf Efrikens - we like it A LOT when one of our own make it... So, even if I'm not a big Sci-Fi/Sci-whatever fan, I will go and watch the movie - besides, I might just get to cop a feel somewhere during the night. (Oh Shit - did I say that out loud...) Won't really do it - but I'm not made of stone I'll let you know!

Besides - Hugh Jackman plays the lead - WOOF! (No pun intended... Do Wolves even go WOOF?) Anyway, I digress.

This will be our first social outing (me and young man's) so it should be quite interesting. I'm a little uncertain as to how to approach it but I'm sure I'll be fine. He knows about my history (Told him about Dawie etc) and he also knows where my head is, so it should all work out fine. I must admit here that I have not 'dated' in YEARS so this is all a bit daunting...

Well, enough drivel and insecurity - time to take the bull by the horn(s)...

Hope y'all have a productive day.

TTFN

PS: I know I sound all confident and self assured but I'm actually a very shy and withdrawn boy, so keep your fingers crossed that I don't cock it up royally!

And on a lighter note...

Failing at the 'pretending' bit, but one can only but try...

Another day...

So last night I'm in the most excellent mood (Traffic was a breeze, had some stunning Thai noodles for dinner and got a call from a friend I have not spoken to in a while) - watch a bit of Ugly Betty, laugh, and then it's the episode where Molly informs Daniel that she has cancer and she needs her space. I duly cry myself to sleep after this and then it starts raining - honestly, how melodramatic can one queen become... Maybe it was just a little close to home.

And on another note - I met a very nice (YOUNG!) man. Not ready to go into another relationship but enjoying the attention. Did I mention he's YOUNG? Very young - twenty years younger than I am... Can I hear you say 'pedophile'? Just chatting at the moment and he is wise beyond his years, which I'm really enjoying. I miss talking to someone on a more than superficial level and he's a great conversationalist... (OK fine, I'll stop trying to justify it!)

My poor father is going moggy - he went to the Post Office and signed for my new Credit Cards - they duly sent me a text informing me that they were collected and I stopped them, thinking it's some sort of scam. He them tries to use them (WTF!) and nearly gets arrested for fraud... Did I mention my dad has 'Alzheimer's light' and we have the same initials? My poor mom is devastated but I just reassured them that I'm here for them and we can sort this out too. So when exactly do parents become children again?

Just a few random thoughts from me today - no specific order and completely 'allovertheplace'.

Hugs and hope y'all are well,

TTFN

Honest Scrap... FINALLY!

Tamaku 'awarded' me with this little thingy, and I promised him I would get to it soon, so here goes... (Better late than never - and THANKS T!)



Apparently I have to post 10 things about myself and then award it to someone (7!) else... I will be leaving up here for anybody to post on their blog's if they feel so.

As for the ten things people should know/not know about me :

1. I'm a total Facebook addict. There, I've said it. And no, it's not under my blogger name...

2. At the moment I look like a Telly Tubby - put a purple tri-angle on my head and you would not be able to discern me from Twinky Winky (or whatever his name is), but this is being addressed. This happened after quitting smoking and with Dawie's passing - I'm a comfort eater. (Damn, another confession!)

3. I love my latest car A LOT and I drive it like it's stolen. I'm on a first name basis with the traffic department in Pretoria for all the speeding tickets I get, so this is a monthly 'budget item'. Not good... Pescy little camera traps!

4. I work. I know, it's hard to believe, but yes, even I have to earn a living. Who knew!

5. I'm a bit of a fussy eater. For one thing, I don't eat Guava. I also don't eat Guava... (Souf Efrikens will get the joke, not so sure of the rest of the world.)

6. I don't camp. My idea of 'roughin' it' is a lodge without aircon. If God intended us to sleep on the ground he would have given us a lot more padding. Oh wait - maybe I have this all wrong - see no 2.

7. I'm a little sarcastic sometimes - maybe even a little today...

8. I love my family a lot but they also drive me nuts - how that is possible I will have to figure out one day. Now, I just accept it. How fascinating!

9. I am unable to sleep in pj's. So, even in a hospital environment I will be nekkid under the sheets...

10. I'm a sucker for a puppy/dog. I will ignore everybody and go straight to the dog when arriving at someone's home. Cats, not so much though...

There, really random and the 'best' I can do right now...

Have a pretty day y'all!

My new boyfriend - Superman.

I know it's probably wrong, but this really tickles my 'slightly' warped sense of humour... How can this be a toy for children?

Anyhoo - a little update. Packing Dawie's stuff away was therapeutic and it actually helped me write another (short) chapter in my book of life. It was tough but so necessary. Fascinating. That's my new word - fascinating. Anything 'crappy' happens I just go ' How fascinating'.

Also had time to fix the new panel heaters in the bedroom and living room areas of the house - winter approaching rapidly and today's daytime temp are as low as 18C - not very pleasant... Nights set to go down to zero in Jozie (work) and about 5 in Pretoria where I live. Winter - my least favourite season!

So, time for me to catch up with my 'blogger buddies' across the world as I've been a bad little blogger for quite some time now. Feeling better now...

Hope y'all are well,

TTFN

Emotional rollercoaster...

I've taken a few days leave in order for me to 'clean - up' a few things around the house. This basically means that I taking Dawie's clothes and personal belongings and giving them to charity... Why, in the name of all that is holy do I feel so guilty/bad/raw etc etc. Honestly, it's just a never ending rollercoaster of emotional chaos.

I know it's unreal (or silly) but I feel as if I'm removing Dawie from my life. I feel as if I'm 'removing' him from our home. Why? Why?

And the biggest why is still why did he have to die?

Fuck it - I can't do this anymore...

Democracy.

Tomorrow we will be going to the polls again in what will probably go down in history as a watershed election in South Africa. Watershed for a number of reasons, but mostly because of all the controversy surrounding the big role players. And watershed because of the turn-out expected at the voting stations. At least we can all vote - meaning that this is another truly democratic election in the 'New South Africa'.

There was a time in South Africa's history that this was not so, but I also believe that we as South Africans should now stop harping on the past and start working towards a mutually beneficial future for all her people. Yes, there is a legacy that needs to be smoothed over but before we learn to look forward instead of always looking to the past, we will never really achieve our perfect future that we are all hoping for.

So, with that...

I hope all our people get a chance to make an informed, measured cross on a piece of paper tomorrow,

I hope that this process will be peaceful and that no unnecessary violence takes place,

I hope that our new leaders will make it a priority to look after all the people of this wonderful country and not just those that follow their ideology.

Tomorrow morning at seven my housekeeper and I will be standing in a qeue to make our contribution to this country...

TTFN

WTH! (Same as the other version, I'm trying not to swear.)

I'm not anal (OK fine, I am but let it slide this time...) but honestly, don't people have full length mirrors in their homes anymore? Why do people dress the way they do? Honestly - who died and said it's OK to look like the village tramp after a rough night when you come to work? Yes, today is casual Friday, but does that mean that we can 'chuck' something onto ourselves and decide that now we look 'pretty'?

Just sitting in my office (Fishbowl) this morning and watching the staff arrive for work. Some are always dressed impeccably and look professional, but some honestly should be arrested by the fashion politzia. Not that I'm a slave to fashion - I mean, mostly not a slave to fashion, but really... Looking like the love child of Ugly Betty and Barnie is just not cool...

On another note, my laptop is on the fritz. Again! It's like the little men that go and fetch files when I open a new item have unionized and are now on a go slow until they receive better living conditions. Apparently my musty old laptop bag is no longer good enough. No, we have to get Prada or Armani or some label of sorts. And, they now require a two hour lunch break - who knew?

Really being a bit silly this morning. Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend now!

TTFN

Ps: I think Crocs are the ugliest shoes EVER!

Quit-aversary!

I'm actually quite proud of myself....



Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 365 days, 13 hours, 22 minutes and 40 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 7311
Lifetime Saved: 1 month, 25 days, 20 hours
Money Saved: S1,277.50

Now, how is that for an achievement. One whole year without the 'stuff'.

TTFN

The Easter Weekend.

Funny how 'special' days have an effect on me. Any normal day (Monday to Sunday) does not get to me so much anymore, but when there is a day that is not 'normal', I'm not quite so normal either. Well, I'm sure this is part of the process.

Not that I was 'silly and emotional' all weekend, just on Sunday morning. Dawie and I would have gone to Church together and would have spent the day together with family, but I was with friends and family on my own.

Time to stop this little 'pity party' I have going here.

Had a reasonably quiet time this weekend with a few friends and my family. Friday I spent with a dear old friend who came over for dinner and movies. Well, sort of dinner - she is on a very strict diet and will only eat skinless chicken and veg, so that's what we had. Did taste quite nice and would not mind eating that again - I made some grilled chicken breast on top of mushrooms pan friend with some garlic and spinach, and steamed baby potatoes. Altogether very healthy and tasty.

Saturday was spent pottering around the house and garden and in the evening dinner with D and his new lovey, D. They are a stunning couple, even though it's pretty new, it seems they are 'gelling' quite nicely.

Sunday was spent with my family - we celebrated mom's birthday that took place in the week and had a really nice leg of lamb that was cooked in the Weber with veggies and potatoes. Obviously, meat is still affordable here!

Yesterday I took my mom shopping for her birthday gift. She said she needed some new clothes and we went to one of the larger malls in Pretoria and shopped till be dropped. Winter is coming to SA soon so I also bought myself a brown sued jacket and a new coat - in black cashmere. Just could not help myself...

As much as I was surrounded my people most of the time this weekend it all felt so lonely. Silly me, I know, but still... This too shall pass!


TTFN

I know it's a little naughty, but...

Happy Easter y'all!

Hope you get to spend some time with loved ones!

TTFN

The weekend (Part 2)

So the weekend is done. A very emotional and 'draining' experience, but also extremely cleansing... Weird, but it feel like a ton of bricks was lifted of my emotional state. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do, but also one of the single most cleansing (and amazing) experiences I've ever had.

We arrived at Crystal Springs on Friday eve, had some dinner and a good cry, took my 'cocktail' to go to sleep and woke up pretty early on Saturday Morning. Tried to eat some breakfast and then set off for God's Window. L & B - dear old friends, brought some white lilies along that we carried up the mountain. White lilies was Dawie's favourite... It's about a half an hour's heavy hike to the top of the mountain - past the normal viewpoints and trough the rain forest to the absolute top.

The mountain was covered with mist and it was rather chilly. We found a secluded spot on a cliffs edge and we each said a few words. The mist was thick and cold, but as I tipped the earn and slowly started scattering his ashes, a gust of wind came up and blew the spot were we stood open and clear. You could see for miles and miles of indigenous forest and mountains. It was absolutely amazing, for as the last of the ashes fell to the ground, the mist slowly engulfed the spot were we stood again and you could hardly see a few feet ahead of you. And then this amazing peace descended on me...

The other friends started going back down again but L and I stood there for a few more minutes, said a prayer together and then started down the mountain again. When we got to the bottom, we all stood in a circle and just hugged each other for a while.

I'm thankful that this could be shared with friends. I'm thankful that these friends truly loved Dawie and that we could all experience this moment together. I'm thankful for so much, but the one thing that I'm most thankful for is that I could share a few years of my life with Dawie, and that I was there for him when he left this world for the next, better place. Yes, I miss him terribly, but I'm also more and more aware that our time together was extremely special. Very few people ever get a chance to be so close to another human being...

I love you D.

TTFN