No longer in Kenya (aaah!) but still a Kenyan at heart...

Monday 27 April 2009

Emotional rollercoaster...

I've taken a few days leave in order for me to 'clean - up' a few things around the house. This basically means that I taking Dawie's clothes and personal belongings and giving them to charity... Why, in the name of all that is holy do I feel so guilty/bad/raw etc etc. Honestly, it's just a never ending rollercoaster of emotional chaos.

I know it's unreal (or silly) but I feel as if I'm removing Dawie from my life. I feel as if I'm 'removing' him from our home. Why? Why?

And the biggest why is still why did he have to die?

Fuck it - I can't do this anymore...

5 comments:

Tamaku said...

Billy, I'm sorry about what you're going through. Don't go through it alone, have someone with you. I wish you all the best. Tamaku

A Lewis said...

It's never silly or unreal. It's very real for you. Acknowledge it. Say it outloud. It's times like these that I wish this relationship wasn't virtual....and in person, instead.

Anonymous said...

It is raw and it is meant to hurt - it's the way you heal. Clearing out his stuff will be healing once it's done. Don't let go of everything. Keep a few precious things as mementos.

Once you've done this, you will come to realise that he isn't gone from your life, he's in your heart and your memories and always will be - clearing out his things and giving them to those in need will not change your love or diminish the memories.

It is still a very hard thing to do, so yes, do get someone to help you, to be with you. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Billy, its truly never easy to take certain steps but I honestly believe Dawie's spirit and memories live on- your love for him and his for you can never be 'taken away'. I wish you well.
W

Anonymous said...

Honey...You are just one of the
most wonderful men in the world...

I'm with everybody on this one...
It is not silly or unreal...You are
doing what he would want...I so
wish I was there to help you...If
I could blink my eyes or wiggle my
nose and make things better...I
would do it in a heart beat...
Please...Know you have many friends
in person and on line...We are
all here for you...We'll be the
shoulders for your tears and your
heartache...

TACKLE YOU HUGS!!!!!!!

Laurie