No longer in Kenya (aaah!) but still a Kenyan at heart...

Monday, 27 April 2009

Emotional rollercoaster...

I've taken a few days leave in order for me to 'clean - up' a few things around the house. This basically means that I taking Dawie's clothes and personal belongings and giving them to charity... Why, in the name of all that is holy do I feel so guilty/bad/raw etc etc. Honestly, it's just a never ending rollercoaster of emotional chaos.

I know it's unreal (or silly) but I feel as if I'm removing Dawie from my life. I feel as if I'm 'removing' him from our home. Why? Why?

And the biggest why is still why did he have to die?

Fuck it - I can't do this anymore...

Tuesday, 21 April 2009


Tomorrow we will be going to the polls again in what will probably go down in history as a watershed election in South Africa. Watershed for a number of reasons, but mostly because of all the controversy surrounding the big role players. And watershed because of the turn-out expected at the voting stations. At least we can all vote - meaning that this is another truly democratic election in the 'New South Africa'.

There was a time in South Africa's history that this was not so, but I also believe that we as South Africans should now stop harping on the past and start working towards a mutually beneficial future for all her people. Yes, there is a legacy that needs to be smoothed over but before we learn to look forward instead of always looking to the past, we will never really achieve our perfect future that we are all hoping for.

So, with that...

I hope all our people get a chance to make an informed, measured cross on a piece of paper tomorrow,

I hope that this process will be peaceful and that no unnecessary violence takes place,

I hope that our new leaders will make it a priority to look after all the people of this wonderful country and not just those that follow their ideology.

Tomorrow morning at seven my housekeeper and I will be standing in a qeue to make our contribution to this country...


Thursday, 16 April 2009

WTH! (Same as the other version, I'm trying not to swear.)

I'm not anal (OK fine, I am but let it slide this time...) but honestly, don't people have full length mirrors in their homes anymore? Why do people dress the way they do? Honestly - who died and said it's OK to look like the village tramp after a rough night when you come to work? Yes, today is casual Friday, but does that mean that we can 'chuck' something onto ourselves and decide that now we look 'pretty'?

Just sitting in my office (Fishbowl) this morning and watching the staff arrive for work. Some are always dressed impeccably and look professional, but some honestly should be arrested by the fashion politzia. Not that I'm a slave to fashion - I mean, mostly not a slave to fashion, but really... Looking like the love child of Ugly Betty and Barnie is just not cool...

On another note, my laptop is on the fritz. Again! It's like the little men that go and fetch files when I open a new item have unionized and are now on a go slow until they receive better living conditions. Apparently my musty old laptop bag is no longer good enough. No, we have to get Prada or Armani or some label of sorts. And, they now require a two hour lunch break - who knew?

Really being a bit silly this morning. Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend now!

Ps: I think Crocs are the ugliest shoes EVER!

Wednesday, 15 April 2009


I'm actually quite proud of myself....

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 365 days, 13 hours, 22 minutes and 40 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 7311
Lifetime Saved: 1 month, 25 days, 20 hours
Money Saved: S1,277.50

Now, how is that for an achievement. One whole year without the 'stuff'.


Tuesday, 14 April 2009

The Easter Weekend.

Funny how 'special' days have an effect on me. Any normal day (Monday to Sunday) does not get to me so much anymore, but when there is a day that is not 'normal', I'm not quite so normal either. Well, I'm sure this is part of the process.

Not that I was 'silly and emotional' all weekend, just on Sunday morning. Dawie and I would have gone to Church together and would have spent the day together with family, but I was with friends and family on my own.

Time to stop this little 'pity party' I have going here.

Had a reasonably quiet time this weekend with a few friends and my family. Friday I spent with a dear old friend who came over for dinner and movies. Well, sort of dinner - she is on a very strict diet and will only eat skinless chicken and veg, so that's what we had. Did taste quite nice and would not mind eating that again - I made some grilled chicken breast on top of mushrooms pan friend with some garlic and spinach, and steamed baby potatoes. Altogether very healthy and tasty.

Saturday was spent pottering around the house and garden and in the evening dinner with D and his new lovey, D. They are a stunning couple, even though it's pretty new, it seems they are 'gelling' quite nicely.

Sunday was spent with my family - we celebrated mom's birthday that took place in the week and had a really nice leg of lamb that was cooked in the Weber with veggies and potatoes. Obviously, meat is still affordable here!

Yesterday I took my mom shopping for her birthday gift. She said she needed some new clothes and we went to one of the larger malls in Pretoria and shopped till be dropped. Winter is coming to SA soon so I also bought myself a brown sued jacket and a new coat - in black cashmere. Just could not help myself...

As much as I was surrounded my people most of the time this weekend it all felt so lonely. Silly me, I know, but still... This too shall pass!


Thursday, 9 April 2009

I know it's a little naughty, but...

Happy Easter y'all!

Hope you get to spend some time with loved ones!


Monday, 6 April 2009

The weekend (Part 2)

So the weekend is done. A very emotional and 'draining' experience, but also extremely cleansing... Weird, but it feel like a ton of bricks was lifted of my emotional state. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do, but also one of the single most cleansing (and amazing) experiences I've ever had.

We arrived at Crystal Springs on Friday eve, had some dinner and a good cry, took my 'cocktail' to go to sleep and woke up pretty early on Saturday Morning. Tried to eat some breakfast and then set off for God's Window. L & B - dear old friends, brought some white lilies along that we carried up the mountain. White lilies was Dawie's favourite... It's about a half an hour's heavy hike to the top of the mountain - past the normal viewpoints and trough the rain forest to the absolute top.

The mountain was covered with mist and it was rather chilly. We found a secluded spot on a cliffs edge and we each said a few words. The mist was thick and cold, but as I tipped the earn and slowly started scattering his ashes, a gust of wind came up and blew the spot were we stood open and clear. You could see for miles and miles of indigenous forest and mountains. It was absolutely amazing, for as the last of the ashes fell to the ground, the mist slowly engulfed the spot were we stood again and you could hardly see a few feet ahead of you. And then this amazing peace descended on me...

The other friends started going back down again but L and I stood there for a few more minutes, said a prayer together and then started down the mountain again. When we got to the bottom, we all stood in a circle and just hugged each other for a while.

I'm thankful that this could be shared with friends. I'm thankful that these friends truly loved Dawie and that we could all experience this moment together. I'm thankful for so much, but the one thing that I'm most thankful for is that I could share a few years of my life with Dawie, and that I was there for him when he left this world for the next, better place. Yes, I miss him terribly, but I'm also more and more aware that our time together was extremely special. Very few people ever get a chance to be so close to another human being...

I love you D.


Friday, 3 April 2009

The weekend.

The video had me in tears. Well, most anything has me in tears at the moment - a moose farts in Alaska and I'm in tears, but this is really brave and true...

This weekend we're off to scatter Dawie's ashes in a place called God's Window. It was one of our favourite spots in the world. It's stunningly beautiful and the view is phenomenal. I think he would appove...

So, long story short - another chapter is done this weekend. This book of me and Dawie is starting to slowly but surely become a book of smiles and not just sorrow. Don't for one second think I'm not still sad A LOT of the time, but some of the sadness has been replaced with happy momories.

As for Saturday - I'm going to be a wreck but at least I'll be surrounded by people who love me and who loved him.

One more day passes...


Wednesday, 1 April 2009

April Fool.

Today would be the day that I would usually have gotten someone to call Dawie and try and fool him with some silly joke. Most of the time it did not really work, he was to bright for that but it was something we would share and laugh about later. I miss his sense of humour and razor sharp wit...

One year I got a friend of a friend to leave a message for him to call her back. She worked at a clinic that specializes in 'gender reassignment' surgery - sex changes. I had been complaining all week that my 'breast' hurt and were sensitive but could not tell him why. She told him that my appointment for the assessment would need to be moved as the doctor was ill - she then pretended to have called him in error. This one worked like a charm - for about a second. He called me at the office and asked me if there was anything that I needed to tell him. He promised me that he would understand but also stressed that a 'big built', six foot four man would not look good in a dress.

And, he said, my features were way too manly for me to go trough this type of operation... And then he said to me that this was probably the weakest of all my April fool's jokes ever! We screamed with laughter for quite some time after this.

I miss him...

Here's wishing you all good memories, lots of laughter on this day!