Stuff.

It's been a while since I've posted anything here a whole month in fact... I've had a lot to think about and a lot to consider, and frankly, I'm still not sure that I need to write it down here - but I need an outlet...



My poor darling husband is terminal. There, I've said it and it's killing me. The doctors have confirmed that there is not a hell of a lot more that can be done to help him except to make him as comfortable as possible. We've made the decision that it's no longer important for him to work - he's taken an extended leave of absence from his work and basically is claiming disabilty. He's very weak at the moment and on constant pain meds, but his still able to function relatively well - can go to the bathroom, clean up after himself etc. Whe've already organized with a private company for a day and night nurse to help me when he's no longer able to do 'his thing' on his own. I have to keep working for now but will also take extended leave when nessesary - it is difficult though, just started a new job...

That bit I wrote and never posted - as of today, he's in hospital and receiving treatment. I've taken as much leave a I can but need to finish a few things before I can leave and spend all my time with him. Not a very festive season in our house this year...

The worst part of this whole thing is seeing the man I love - the person who has made every living moment of my life worthwhile, melt away to nothing. His body has given up but his mind is still strong. I still get the biggest grin possible when I walk into the hospital room. He still sends me little text messages when I'm not with him to tell me how much I mean to him. I don't want to break down in front of him but this is the single hardest thing I've ever had to do and all I want to do is cry. How unfair is this - he's only 39 years young. Our friends and family are so supportive but it all feels so damn hollow. Why?

I'm absolutely broken...