The US, the President and the very big future...

Last night I lay in front of the TV and watched one of our local channels broadcast from Washington. It was a momentus occation for the people of the US, and I personally think that this will, in time, have an effect on the rest of the world as well.

Whether President Obama will be able to change as much as he promised remains to be seen but lets be honest, worse that 'that silly little Texan' he cannot possibly do. I wish him, and all the people of the United States the absolute best. There is a lot to be done at home and with regards to their foreign policy.

Mr President, you will be in my prayers as well!

TTFN

Weekend.

The weekend is once again ahead of us and I'm, as has become usual the last bit, not really looking forward to it. It's pretty lonely in the house at the mo - yes, the dogs are there and yes friends pop in all the time but I'm still in bed alone on a Sunday morning. That was our special time every week. A time we just lay there talking and drinking coffee and eating pastries - whatever blew our hair back. Even when he was as sick as a dog we would still follow this ritual. I miss him...

I'm busy writing him a letter. My therapist suggested it, and it seems to be helping a bit, even if it means that it's VERY emotional and I'm battling to write a paragraph at a time. This too shall pass...

So, here's wishin' y'all a happy and love filled weekend. And to my friends in the Aviation industry - I'm so glad you're OK and nobody got seriously injured!

Hugs,

B

Therapy...

So, with so much that happened recently and me feeling quite alone at times, I thought that therapy would be in order. Now, besides the actual therapy where I get to speak to my therapist for an hour a week, other therapy has come to mind, and now I have to choose between:

1. Laying out a new garden and making it happen. Dawie and I both love(d) to be outside, and I feel that a new space at home will not only keep me busy over the weekends, but will also be a good thing to remember him by.

2. Redecorating. But I don't think so, as we recently did do the whole house and I'm not ready to change all of that yet...

3. Veg'in in front of the box. Once again, not a bad option but it does tend to make me feel, well, useless and numb. And, it seems that the universe is out to make me cry like a total girl - had a rerun of Ghost the other day on Classic and I sat and watched it... NOT a good idea!

4. Taking a nice long holiday. This, I feel, is maybe a really good idea! Mom and me, in a car just driving and seeing where we end up. Or, maybe just me on my own - I will still see... Or, really going for it and buying an air ticket to somewhere in the world I'd like to go - New York, Phuket, London, Sydney...

5. Retail Therapy - No, not really an option. Everything I want I have - except for the one thing that I really want and can't have anymore... Not that he was for sale.

The sadness is still here, the heartache is ever present, but the good memories are starting to win the battle. I'm sure that every first will be dramatic - first birthday alone, anniversary etc, but this too shall pass and he will live in my thoughts forever!


On another note. Dawie was quite a keen poet. He wrote this poem for me before he passed away.

I KNOW YOU LOVE ME

Darling, I know you love me
You don’t have to tell me, this I can see
When I was sick, your love showed as you stood by my bed,
Your love showed as you held me close and caressed my head.

You showed me love each and every day,
You showed me your love in many and all kinds of ways.
Your love for me held fast when I would give way to tears,
It was your love for me that helped me when I was filled with fears.

It was your love that helped me through times that were so trying,
Your love would never let me see frustration and crying.
Darling, I knew you loved me right from the start,
I will love you always, from deep in my heart.

I know that you love me,
Your love for me showed throughout the suffer,
I know you love me, so please God help me
To acknowledge the love of my lover.

Darling, I just know you love me,
‘cause a more loving lover there couldn’t be,
I will always have a special place for you in my heart,
I know this even if we are now apart.

Hope you have a blessed day.

Emptiness and keeping busy...

It's been nearly two weeks now since Dawie slipped away from me on Christmas Eve. I'm back at work (as of today) and arranging everything with his will and policies and 'stuff' has kept me occupied, mostly. It's tough. I don't wish this feeling I have on my worst enemy - if I had any that is. (Don't think I do, but averybody crosses somebody at some time in their lives...)

Anyway. There is just so much confusion in my life at the moment, and to be completely honest, I don't think his death has sunk in yet. I still think I should go and visit him in hospital, or expect him to walk trough the front door after a work trip... I will give up everything just to hold him in my arms for a few minutes more, to tell him I love him and to tell him to go in peace. We did talk about this, but it still feels like we did not have enough time to say everything.

I need to tell the story of his last few days, but it's still to raw for me. I need to tell it 'cause it's really beautiful, but not right now.

What the hell am I going to do now? He's no longer here and I have nothing more to really live for... I am surounded by friends and family but this is the lonliest I've ever been in my life.

What now? What now?

My darling husband...