No longer in Kenya (aaah!) but still a Kenyan at heart...

Tuesday 6 January 2009

Emptiness and keeping busy...

It's been nearly two weeks now since Dawie slipped away from me on Christmas Eve. I'm back at work (as of today) and arranging everything with his will and policies and 'stuff' has kept me occupied, mostly. It's tough. I don't wish this feeling I have on my worst enemy - if I had any that is. (Don't think I do, but averybody crosses somebody at some time in their lives...)

Anyway. There is just so much confusion in my life at the moment, and to be completely honest, I don't think his death has sunk in yet. I still think I should go and visit him in hospital, or expect him to walk trough the front door after a work trip... I will give up everything just to hold him in my arms for a few minutes more, to tell him I love him and to tell him to go in peace. We did talk about this, but it still feels like we did not have enough time to say everything.

I need to tell the story of his last few days, but it's still to raw for me. I need to tell it 'cause it's really beautiful, but not right now.

What the hell am I going to do now? He's no longer here and I have nothing more to really live for... I am surounded by friends and family but this is the lonliest I've ever been in my life.

What now? What now?

2 comments:

Laurie said...

My Sweet Billy....He wouldn't
want you to feel this way....It's
hard to deal with it all I know...
Sweetheart...Dawie needs you to be
happy...He needs you to celebrate
the time you had :)It's good to
get back in the swing of things
and to take your mind away for
even just a minute....

I know you'd give everything for
one more day....You've got your
babies to take care of...They need
you too...Let them help you heal
as well... :)

Hold on to the scar of love not
the hurt of pain....

I love you Billy and I'm here....
Even if I'm thousands of miles
away...I am here for you... :)

A Lewis said...

My Dear Friend and Brother, I can feel your pain in the words. Like Laurie, I'm thousands of miles away..but just a heartbeat, really. I have no doubt that if I were to get off of the plane in your city today, we'd run up to one another and start crying....sobbing probably. I have no "fix it all" words. Just that I send my love and peace. And I think you are exactly where you should be for today. Just today. Tomorrow will be yet another day. It's so odd how life continues on around us....without knowing or caring, really. And our hearts continue to break. Your friends in Portland send the most gracious and deep hugs ever.