This song is stuck in my head this morning...
Honestly, can I be any more pathetic/gay/sad...
Tuesday 31 March 2009
You needed me...
Monday 30 March 2009
Random stuff...
The week has started off with a bang, and I'm just not in the mood for anything really... So, instead of me writing a whole load of thoughts here that will make you yawn, fall asleep and duly fall of your chair (and then sue me for the worst case of boredom ever!), some pictures:
Ellie in the Kruger Park.
Jason & Jessica (With favourite toy) on 'their' couch on the veranda.
More ellie pic's. My favourite aminal...
Group of ellies.
Jess just back from the parlour - she loves Auntie Jandre that 'does' their hair. Oh, the 'do' only lasts a few hours then it's back to normal...
And this is where I'm going this weekend to scatter Dawie's ashes. Maybe that is why I'm so damn emotional...
Have a good week all,
TTFN
Wednesday 25 March 2009
My new 'hobby'.
I had a stunning herb salad with snoek (An oily white fish) & smoked haddock fish cakes for dinner last night. The herb salad was made with ingredients from my own garden - I had this sheepish grin the whole time I was preparing dinner and I really enjoyed it! More so because it was grown in my own back yard! Mummy is VERY impressed with himself today!
A couple of things I've noticed about 'gardening' - if that is what you can call me watering a few plants, weeding a bit and generally just standing there admiring the landscapers work, gardening.
It's good for the soul! It truly is relaxing and your mind just clears. After spending nigh on two hours in 'serious' traffic there is just nothing better than standing outside as the sun sets and watering my little patch of earth.
A couple of things I've noticed about 'gardening' - if that is what you can call me watering a few plants, weeding a bit and generally just standing there admiring the landscapers work, gardening.
It's good for the soul! It truly is relaxing and your mind just clears. After spending nigh on two hours in 'serious' traffic there is just nothing better than standing outside as the sun sets and watering my little patch of earth.
I'm spending more time outside now that there is something to look at. I use to get home, switch on the AC and get busy with my things inside, but now I'm setting the little table outside for dinner, lighting a candle and enjoying my dinner el fresco. My housekeeper thinks I've gone moggy (It is still quite warm), but I'm loving it!
I'm spending more time at home (When I'm home) - not running away from the 'feelings' inside anymore. To be honest, been finding any excuse of late to not be at home, so this is good too. Think I'm settling into my new 'single person' routine. Don't do well as a single person, but this is the cards I've been dealt and I will play them. Anyway, not even remotely ready for another relationship...
All in all I think this is the best thing I could have done. It's good for me - and it keeps me busy.
A few pic's to entertain/bore/nauseate etc etc.
Bowls I bought in Swaziland from Ngwenya Glass - Glass & Ceramic.
Sunset on the Crocodile River from my parents place. Sooooo stunning.
TTFN
Monday 23 March 2009
My trip 'back home'.
It's been a strange couple of days. Strange good and trange bad, but altogether mostly good. I'm tired as hell and really need a bit of a break (again!) but I'm really glad I stayed the extra night in Nairobi and spent some time with my friends - but regretting it this morning (I don't function too well with little to no sleep). Will make a point of getting to bed early tonight - just after Grey's.
Being in Nairobi again for the first time in nearly a year was weird. Being there for the first time since hubby passed was gut wrenching. Don't know why but I was 'uber' emotional this weekend, thank goodness for good friends that understand and support. Even had a little cry on the plane yesterday - I was consolled by the cute air steward who was serving business class... Bless him!
Seeing all my old staff members was great - they all miss me and want me to come back - makes me feel very special, bless them! As for all my old friend - stunning people. Wish I could see them more often. Also had the pleasure of eating at the new Osteria in Karen on Friday night - brilliant place and then a few (read too many!) drinks with friends at numerous pubs across the area. (Hence the tired feeling this morning!)
I have so many thought at the moment, having real trouble putting them down on 'paper' but will write. And will post, but in time.
Hope y'all are doin' fine!
TTFN
Being in Nairobi again for the first time in nearly a year was weird. Being there for the first time since hubby passed was gut wrenching. Don't know why but I was 'uber' emotional this weekend, thank goodness for good friends that understand and support. Even had a little cry on the plane yesterday - I was consolled by the cute air steward who was serving business class... Bless him!
Seeing all my old staff members was great - they all miss me and want me to come back - makes me feel very special, bless them! As for all my old friend - stunning people. Wish I could see them more often. Also had the pleasure of eating at the new Osteria in Karen on Friday night - brilliant place and then a few (read too many!) drinks with friends at numerous pubs across the area. (Hence the tired feeling this morning!)
I have so many thought at the moment, having real trouble putting them down on 'paper' but will write. And will post, but in time.
Hope y'all are doin' fine!
TTFN
Tuesday 17 March 2009
Sad.
It's just been such an emotional time of late and then the universe just keeps on piling it on. I'm tired...
This weekend Lynn lost her battle with cancer. She's been fighting for the last couple of years and has always has such a postive outlook on life, not only for herself but for her two lovely daugters that now haveto grow up without their mommy. She was only 37 years old. How is this fair?
Then Gerhard also lost his battle this weekend. 38, and dead. I can't do this anymore. All my wounds that I thought are heeling are just opened up again. I'm a wreck...
Just fuck it all.
This weekend Lynn lost her battle with cancer. She's been fighting for the last couple of years and has always has such a postive outlook on life, not only for herself but for her two lovely daugters that now haveto grow up without their mommy. She was only 37 years old. How is this fair?
Then Gerhard also lost his battle this weekend. 38, and dead. I can't do this anymore. All my wounds that I thought are heeling are just opened up again. I'm a wreck...
Just fuck it all.
Monday 16 March 2009
The stages of love.
I feel about as creative as a mouldy cracker today, so just going to post a little something a friend sent to me - he got it from Mamba Online - just thought it appropriate...
Lesbians and Gays are a sexually abused culture. We are under sexual assault regularly from society. We are only seen for our sex acts and are told that we are dirty and bad for having sexual feelings and for wanting intimate relationships with members of our own gender.
With a lifetime of receiving these messages we run from each other so as not to be exposed or identified as one of those "forbidden and dirty people." We have no one to tell. Oprah Winfrey talks about the first time she saw African American people on television. She was watching Ed Sullivan introduce the Supremes and ran through her home yelling to her family in excitement and pride that African Americans were on TV.
Can you imagine any of us as gays and lesbians doing this as children—or even adults—yelling through our home that homosexuals were on television? Of course not.
We enter adult love relationships with internalised messages that we are inherently damaged and flawed as people. Problems begin to arise as a result. What we do not realise, however, is that these problems are supposed to happen and they can offer us the greatest amount of personal healing. Problems can also help a relationship grow and strengthen.
We enter relationships through the doorway of romantic love. This is a time when people report feelings of elation, exhilaration and euphoria. Partners will say things like, "Oh, I can't live without you," and/or "It seems like I've always known you. I feel whole when I'm in your presence."
This feeling is strongest in the presence of one's partner. It is during this period of time we can go without much sleep. If we have been depressed, we are less so. Addictions seem to subside and so on. This stage is what our society calls real love.
Movies, books, television, songs, etc. focus on this period because it feels so great. But it is not real love. It is only nature's way of bringing two people together. It is supposed to happen and supposed to come to an end. Most people do not know this. For us, as lesbians and gays, it is a time that has even more importance to us.
"...it seems easier to terminate the relationship, have affairs, and engage in addictions..."
It is like we have found something that we were told we would never have. We feel so loved and authentic. We have waited a lifetime for a connection to someone like this and we don't want it to end. And when it does end, it moves us to sometimes even more despair about relationships than we had before. It is like confirmation that we are doomed and cannot have long-term healthy relationships.
After romantic love ends, the next stage of a relationship is called the power struggle. It, too, is supposed to happen and supposed to end. However, this phase does not feel as good and disillusionment arises. It is here that we are most aware of the differences between ourselves and our partner. Conflict arises as a result of the belief that these differences are not good for a relationship when in fact they are.
This conflict is growth (both personal and relational) trying to happen. It promotes a way to differentiate from one's partner and for each to keep a sense of self and also be a couple. For lesbians and gays, it is even more important to us in relationships to keep our sense of self because we have spent a lifetime being forced to conform and disown ourselves.
Thus, it seems easier to terminate the relationship, have affairs, and engage in addictions rather than face the conflict and fear of losing ourselves.
Many also feel that it is confirmation that we cannot have relationships. The good news, however, is that the power struggle we face with our partners is a positive indicator that we are with the right person. It is that person who will challenge us to make necessary changes for ourselves. It is an opportunity to maintain closeness while still maintaining one's own individuality.
Isn't that what we want for ourselves from society as a whole and from our families anyway? To be who we are, they who they are and to allow the differences to exist. Incompatibility is grounds for a relationship and is the norm for partnerships. If you don't know this information and what to do about working it through you can walk away from your dream partner.
Real love, mature love can only emerge once partners move through romantic love and the power struggle. Gays and lesbians deserve to know this information and to have the relationship of their dreams. It is our birthright.
Been there - had that. Mature love - miss him...
TTFN
Lesbians and Gays are a sexually abused culture. We are under sexual assault regularly from society. We are only seen for our sex acts and are told that we are dirty and bad for having sexual feelings and for wanting intimate relationships with members of our own gender.
With a lifetime of receiving these messages we run from each other so as not to be exposed or identified as one of those "forbidden and dirty people." We have no one to tell. Oprah Winfrey talks about the first time she saw African American people on television. She was watching Ed Sullivan introduce the Supremes and ran through her home yelling to her family in excitement and pride that African Americans were on TV.
Can you imagine any of us as gays and lesbians doing this as children—or even adults—yelling through our home that homosexuals were on television? Of course not.
We enter adult love relationships with internalised messages that we are inherently damaged and flawed as people. Problems begin to arise as a result. What we do not realise, however, is that these problems are supposed to happen and they can offer us the greatest amount of personal healing. Problems can also help a relationship grow and strengthen.
We enter relationships through the doorway of romantic love. This is a time when people report feelings of elation, exhilaration and euphoria. Partners will say things like, "Oh, I can't live without you," and/or "It seems like I've always known you. I feel whole when I'm in your presence."
This feeling is strongest in the presence of one's partner. It is during this period of time we can go without much sleep. If we have been depressed, we are less so. Addictions seem to subside and so on. This stage is what our society calls real love.
Movies, books, television, songs, etc. focus on this period because it feels so great. But it is not real love. It is only nature's way of bringing two people together. It is supposed to happen and supposed to come to an end. Most people do not know this. For us, as lesbians and gays, it is a time that has even more importance to us.
"...it seems easier to terminate the relationship, have affairs, and engage in addictions..."
It is like we have found something that we were told we would never have. We feel so loved and authentic. We have waited a lifetime for a connection to someone like this and we don't want it to end. And when it does end, it moves us to sometimes even more despair about relationships than we had before. It is like confirmation that we are doomed and cannot have long-term healthy relationships.
After romantic love ends, the next stage of a relationship is called the power struggle. It, too, is supposed to happen and supposed to end. However, this phase does not feel as good and disillusionment arises. It is here that we are most aware of the differences between ourselves and our partner. Conflict arises as a result of the belief that these differences are not good for a relationship when in fact they are.
This conflict is growth (both personal and relational) trying to happen. It promotes a way to differentiate from one's partner and for each to keep a sense of self and also be a couple. For lesbians and gays, it is even more important to us in relationships to keep our sense of self because we have spent a lifetime being forced to conform and disown ourselves.
Thus, it seems easier to terminate the relationship, have affairs, and engage in addictions rather than face the conflict and fear of losing ourselves.
Many also feel that it is confirmation that we cannot have relationships. The good news, however, is that the power struggle we face with our partners is a positive indicator that we are with the right person. It is that person who will challenge us to make necessary changes for ourselves. It is an opportunity to maintain closeness while still maintaining one's own individuality.
Isn't that what we want for ourselves from society as a whole and from our families anyway? To be who we are, they who they are and to allow the differences to exist. Incompatibility is grounds for a relationship and is the norm for partnerships. If you don't know this information and what to do about working it through you can walk away from your dream partner.
Real love, mature love can only emerge once partners move through romantic love and the power struggle. Gays and lesbians deserve to know this information and to have the relationship of their dreams. It is our birthright.
Been there - had that. Mature love - miss him...
TTFN
Friday 13 March 2009
And on a lighter note...
I LOVE these guys. It's one of the blog's that I follow.
Have a good weekend y'all!
TTFN
Politics suck.
So, this little bit of wisdom came out of the mouth of the leader of the ANC, Jacob 'Aids is a myth and can be washed off with a shower' Zuma. Now where have we heard that before - oh wait, I remember - the previous election. Idiot. Twat. Fool. Honestly, just how stupid does he think the South African public is?
Just having a little rant. Thank you for listening.
TTFN
Just having a little rant. Thank you for listening.
TTFN
Thursday 12 March 2009
Annoyed and other stuff.
Maybe it's something to do with my crappy internet connection but I'm (once again) unable to upload pictures.
Mommy is not happy!
Other stuff:
Time seems to be going to fast - I'm worried that I'll forget Dawie or lose something while this year speeds along. I know it sounds silly - I miss him terribly, I want him to still be here but life just seems to be carrying on regardless. My grief is 'just there' and not really part of my world anymore. Silly, I know, but true.
I've trown myself into things at an alarming rate and have not taken the time to really grieve. Been busy with stuff, been busy traveling, been busy with gardening, a new car, last will and testaments, policies, work, people, work, etc etc. But not busy with dealing with things. This is so typically me - don't face the difficult stuff, just do something else to keep you busy.
How do you close a book if you feel that you have not read it to the end?
How do you stop feeling so damn lonely even if you're surrounded by people?
How do I stop feeling so sorry for myself?
Sorry, just not such a great day...
TTFN
Mommy is not happy!
Other stuff:
Time seems to be going to fast - I'm worried that I'll forget Dawie or lose something while this year speeds along. I know it sounds silly - I miss him terribly, I want him to still be here but life just seems to be carrying on regardless. My grief is 'just there' and not really part of my world anymore. Silly, I know, but true.
I've trown myself into things at an alarming rate and have not taken the time to really grieve. Been busy with stuff, been busy traveling, been busy with gardening, a new car, last will and testaments, policies, work, people, work, etc etc. But not busy with dealing with things. This is so typically me - don't face the difficult stuff, just do something else to keep you busy.
How do you close a book if you feel that you have not read it to the end?
How do you stop feeling so damn lonely even if you're surrounded by people?
How do I stop feeling so sorry for myself?
Sorry, just not such a great day...
TTFN
Wednesday 11 March 2009
Traffic and Minibus Taxi's (Matatu's)
So, as of Monday this week the JMPD (Johannesburg Metro Police Department) are arresting drivers that are driving recklessly inside the CBD and on the mayor highways in and around the city. For my foreign readers this might not mean a lot, but I'm sure my Kenyan readers will understand this very well.
You see, as South Africa (Or Joburg specifically) has no real public transport system to speak about, most working class South Africans are forced to use Minibus Taxi's for their daily commute. These guys have a total disregard for their passenger and other road users - I'm generalizing, but the same applies in Nairobi with the Matatus. (Or in other African Capitals, really) They tend to overload their vehicles, speed, overtake when not safe, drive in the emergency lane etc etc. I feel very sorry for the poor folks that have to use these taxi's every day - it must be terrible to fear for your life every time you commute to work...
Anyway, to get back to my story - in the past Taxi drivers just ignored the JMPD when they received a ticket for a traffic violation, and things got worse over time. Now, with better vehicles (Mercedes Sprinters and Toyota Quantum's) they are also driving really fast - which leads to horrific accidents taking place. So, JMPD have decided to arrest folks (Not just taxi drivers, everybody) that drive in the Emergency lane, exceed the speed limit by more than 60kph, skip red traffic lights and overtake into oncoming traffic.
This means that as of this morning, 120 extra traffic cops are on Joburg's roads to keep us law abiding citizens safe - and you can see the difference. My commute was a whole 20 minutes shorter than usual just because everybody followed the rules. AMAZING!
Well done JMPD - for once, I'm a happy camper!
TTFN
You see, as South Africa (Or Joburg specifically) has no real public transport system to speak about, most working class South Africans are forced to use Minibus Taxi's for their daily commute. These guys have a total disregard for their passenger and other road users - I'm generalizing, but the same applies in Nairobi with the Matatus. (Or in other African Capitals, really) They tend to overload their vehicles, speed, overtake when not safe, drive in the emergency lane etc etc. I feel very sorry for the poor folks that have to use these taxi's every day - it must be terrible to fear for your life every time you commute to work...
Anyway, to get back to my story - in the past Taxi drivers just ignored the JMPD when they received a ticket for a traffic violation, and things got worse over time. Now, with better vehicles (Mercedes Sprinters and Toyota Quantum's) they are also driving really fast - which leads to horrific accidents taking place. So, JMPD have decided to arrest folks (Not just taxi drivers, everybody) that drive in the Emergency lane, exceed the speed limit by more than 60kph, skip red traffic lights and overtake into oncoming traffic.
This means that as of this morning, 120 extra traffic cops are on Joburg's roads to keep us law abiding citizens safe - and you can see the difference. My commute was a whole 20 minutes shorter than usual just because everybody followed the rules. AMAZING!
Well done JMPD - for once, I'm a happy camper!
TTFN
Tuesday 10 March 2009
I'm baaaaaack!
Well, how times flies when you're having fun... It just seems like the few days spent with my family went by so quickly that I can hardly believe it's over already. Damn, now it's all the way to July before I can take some leave again. Well, except for a long weekend in April when we're going to God's Window to scatter Dawie's ashes - but that is a story for another day.
It was hot and humid in the Lowveld where we were and to be honest, we did not do a hell of a lot. As my family shows love by feeding you I obviously came home a 'little' (said very lightly - hee, hee) heavier. Mom's always believed that tears can be stopped with chocolate, happiness should be celebrated with a braai (BBQ), indiference should be overcome with a potato bake - basically any mood can be changed/celebrated/encouraged/discouraged by adding some home cooked goodness. This is the reason we used 3 different cars to transport 7 people to the destination, and one of them is a seven seater MPV/minivan that towed a luggage trailer! (I will post pictures of the packing when I download the camera...)
We spent a lot of time just talking and being together, a lot of time reading, and catching up on some well deserved afternoon naps. Also a lot of time next to the pool as it was hot and humid - but I've said that already. Long walks in the bush resulted in long dips in the pool followed by a little snack. Long games of Putt Putt (Mini Golf) resulted in long dips in the pool followed by a little snack. Long drives into the Game park resulted - I think you get the picture... And yes, you can turn me on my side, throw a few lights on me and call me the Goodyear Blimp!
Will post some pic's soon for y'all to see, but basically this is just a quick HELLO to all in Blogland! Missed y'all see!
TTFN
It was hot and humid in the Lowveld where we were and to be honest, we did not do a hell of a lot. As my family shows love by feeding you I obviously came home a 'little' (said very lightly - hee, hee) heavier. Mom's always believed that tears can be stopped with chocolate, happiness should be celebrated with a braai (BBQ), indiference should be overcome with a potato bake - basically any mood can be changed/celebrated/encouraged/discouraged by adding some home cooked goodness. This is the reason we used 3 different cars to transport 7 people to the destination, and one of them is a seven seater MPV/minivan that towed a luggage trailer! (I will post pictures of the packing when I download the camera...)
We spent a lot of time just talking and being together, a lot of time reading, and catching up on some well deserved afternoon naps. Also a lot of time next to the pool as it was hot and humid - but I've said that already. Long walks in the bush resulted in long dips in the pool followed by a little snack. Long games of Putt Putt (Mini Golf) resulted in long dips in the pool followed by a little snack. Long drives into the Game park resulted - I think you get the picture... And yes, you can turn me on my side, throw a few lights on me and call me the Goodyear Blimp!
Will post some pic's soon for y'all to see, but basically this is just a quick HELLO to all in Blogland! Missed y'all see!
TTFN
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